thump thump thump

i have come to a halt somewhere between trendy angst and undeniable insanity. i dont know if it is school. work. or some other underlying stress...but I cannot stop thinking about my heart. thump thump thump. it feels like it is beating too fast. i checked my blood pressure at work the other day...prehypertensive. perhaps because i have been super anxious out of nowhere. it was also checked again at the dr.s office last week. still high...with a high pulse rate. i dont know what my deal is.

curt keeps telling me that i am making myself sick. its all in my head. hyperchondriac status. seriously though. i dont know if i am sick or not. i dont know if my anxiety is causing my heart to race...which in turn is causing me to feel super tired all the time. when we were in CO, I felt like the elevation was making me breathe weird...causing my heart to race. i bought a multi vitamin over there thinking perhaps i am anemic. it seems to have helped a bit. but perhaps it is a placebo affect. i am at school right now. unable to concentrate. i need to finish up a lesson plan that was due tuesday. but i cannot concentrate on it. i start thinking about my breathing and then notice that my heart is beating hard and get scared. i think i might go home and sleep. try to relax. but i need to go to class today. missed two classes already because of vacay to CO. i was walking to lab and kept feeling woozy. like I was floating. i dont understand. i have to work tonight. im scared im going to pass out in the stockroom and rats will come out and nibble on my fingers.

anyway. if anyone reading this can help me relax or give me advice...id greatly appreciate it. i dont know if this is pure anxiety or perhaps somethign more serious. i wish i had more time/energy...perhaps I need to see a shrink. damnit.

pomegranate

i just realized i started this blog in 2007....three years have gone by. I am trying to think about what I can show for the last three years of my life. Not much...a few class grades on paper, perhaps Curtis....er...I don't know. As far as this blog goes, it seems that the last three years have been full of angst and stress [probably related to school or my insane mind].

anyway. more later. i want to make this a semi-regular thing (again). Lets hope eh?

spring

i hate reading through old posts and rediscovering the various pity parties that one goes through. or that [I] go through on a fairly consistent basis. hopefully I get get my mind back and running in a more positive direction.

it is April. Three weeks into my last quarter of college. (besides a bonus summer course I will be taking)--but basically--I am almost done. Like most other young adults at this time, I am terrified. I feel that I am not ready for the real world...I wish I had the money to go to school forever...but no. Instead, school ends and I start getting the gross financial aid bills. bachelor of science in both sociology and general social science. sounds repetitive? yeah. general social science was kind of a last minute decision after i found out I was only one course short of double majoring (thus-summer class). I guess a double major might look good on paper...we will see.

I found out a couple months ago that my father is moving down to this area--Ridgefield to be exact. I met up with him last week for a check handoff (I have to convince him every quarter that I am still in college and seriously broke...not to mention my financial aid was $400 short of covering my school bills) Glorious. Anyway. We meet up with him and he says he can only give me half--I enthusiastically thank him and agree to meet up again later. After the handoff, he suggests that I come see the house that he is looking to buy. We drive down a desolate farm road clear from the highway...Ridgefield is rugged. I follow him into a driveway to the Taj Mahal! SERIOUSLY. This house is huge! It reminds me of the big houses that speckled the hills in tri-cities, but this one had a pretty boring yard--no trees, etc. He tells us that we can have a peek inside if his realtor shows up in a couple minutes. So, pretty indifferent about the situation--I decide to poke around the exterior, peeking into windows and whatnot. On the way back around, we find that his realtor finally showed up--so we decide to do a walkthrough. Lets see. For such a big house, there were only three bedrooms including a huge master bedroom--as well as SIX full bathrooms. Tell me how useful a shower would be located in the formal living room. Walking in you are met with a large foyer and a spiral-y staircase with beautiful iron supports. Huge kitchen, huge family and living spaces, a huge office with built-in desks and whatnot, a huge play-room with a sink, fridge, and whatnot, a separate long rec room with another kitchenette type thing and a double headed shower outside of a indoor sauna...complete with wood benches and a table right outside (built in). Good for them. The only issue is that 1) My Dad would never choose to live here if it was completely his choice 2) My Dad said that Dee (stepmom) didn't really like the house. So, why.....I am guessing he is trying to give her the best he can--which makes me sad--because she doesnt and has never cared about providing my dad with much--emotional or otherwise. I feel slightly at risk for posting these thoughts for everyone to read...but thoughts about my stepmom have been floating around my head for some time. Last time I saw her--I couldn't get over her LV bag and coach earrings. Damnit. My dad doesn't even get his own checkbook really. So controlling. Anyway. I am just scared for him. Krysta (stepsis) is going to BYU Hawaii this year....most likely with no student loans and a nice credit card that her mom (and my dad) will pay off. I just feel...that my dad wants to support us...but perhaps Dee doesn't allow him to.

Anyway. Long rant. My current goals are to not rely on my parents. Which is working out fairly well. Its just hard when I was promised help with college and it hasn't really followed through. Oh well. I'm pretty scared about going to GradSchool...f I decide to....another 40,000 in debt sounds pretty nasty. And all for what? I don't know really.

I am going to cut myself off right now. I feel the pessimisties entering my brain and don't want to turn this into another sap post.