i am extrememly happy right now. despite all of the harsh unsupportive words. maybe the answers will come to me overnight.

time away

so happy. happy. i feel that this is worth every bit of trouble. right? ah. in the back of my mind. i am pondering the backlash. the potential loss of friendships and the judgments of those not getting it. but really. do i get it? do i understand why my brain is suddenly filled with too-strong-to-even-begin-to-explain thoughts. i am told that it is temporary. the hormones and chemicals saturating my brain have put me in a reality of intense happiness and infatuation. is what i am feeling actually the product of a few sweet words. or an actual longing and love for someone who has only recently come into my life.

"i love you, and I dont even know you." a little boy wanted to keep me forever at scotts. but i had to walk out the door, probably out of his life forever. of course, he was four. he probably forgot about me within the next 15 minutes.

i am not quite sure if i want to walk out of this forever. or pretend that the feelings are fake/temporary/irrational. i want to believe with all of my heart that this is genuine. that i am feeling something that could grow and become something beautiful. that somehow it could work. i keep hearing that relationships like this are really hard and don't work out 99% of the time. and when they do fall apart. the network of friends behind the relationship could possibly disintegrate as well. i need that network. they are all i have. and i love them.




i had a nasty bout with the evil hands today. the ones that like to keep my legs wrapped around the cold porcelain demon. perhaps i need to figure that out before i attempt to figure out any relationship. my stomach hurts really bad. its not good to tease your digestive organs. only ends up getting upset and yelling at you for being super lame and irrational. i need a better relationship with what i consume. hm

i do not want to cashier for eight hours tomorrow. i have fri sat sun off. i kind of want to go home. but really dont want to drive. my car is falling apart. and i have a feeling that my mom wants a break from me.

happy

afraid of ruining everything. i really don't want to be THAT girl.

dont want to work today. eight hours of cashiering. the thought makes me want to shove forks into my eyes. i am continuing to look for another job. fuck target.

besides all that. im really happy. happy. happy. happy.

i am very much content in this situation. not at all. i feel like im walking on glass. one wrong move and the world will explode. i have to be careful what i say. how i act. i hate being [not allowed] to express feelings. let me just bottle them up and forget. yeahaetlfdsf;dslfksd

i made apple muffins at my moms house. i will probably go back to portland in a couple days. might as well hang out. the grandparents are here....yeah.....

bros before hos

foolish of me to let these thoughts even enter my mind. even worse that i voiced them. voiced. some of them. the rest will stay within the deepest part of my skull until i am dead and rotting. i guess only the worms will know then. i am good at harboring feelings. not letting anyone realize whats going on. but it seems that in the past few weeks, i have found more confidence in myself to confide in others. and where does it lead me. into an ugly state of mind. where i feel like [just another girl]. with an irrational infatuation. being sucked dry by a parasite diseased with inadequacy. that sounds very angsty-teenager of me. whatever. i want to punch myself in the gut for thinking that it would be a good idea to let these feelings materialize. and now. i get to pretend they dont exist. i guess its back to square one.

so much for sunday

slept most of the day. but. for the first time in a while, i somewhat remember what i dreamnt about. it involved maura davis and fancy bottled water. i was also being molested by an unknown stranger who wouldnt respond to the words stop or no. part of the dream also took place at a hotel. where i was in my red and khaki for work...but had put my shirt on wrong. and suddenly was totally naked. everyone was laughing at me. i find it extremely weird. i havent really had an embarrassment dream in a while. i think my dads mother was there too. i think she fell off a balcony. anyway. so weird things. im guessing it is the spawn of strange happenings and the little bit of stress that doesn't seem to want to go away.

im still extremely tired and dont really know why. well. im guessing its withdrawal symptoms from no caffeine today. which makes me sad that i actually got to that point.

i need to get out and ride.

today.

its raining. i can hear it sprinkling on the trash cans outside my window. how romantic right? open my blinds and there are 3 trash bins and a recycling bin. its lovely. i like the rain. i kind of want to walk in it. but...my umbrella is shit and im without any other rain gear. so whatever. im going to sit in my room and listen to it make music on the garbage cans. like....that one performing group that did all the dancing and banging on pipes and garbage cans...stomp something right? amazing.

this is going to sound cliche as fuck....but. love is a joke. really. i dont know how my heart falls into these weird feelings where i am falling for something that isnt there. that i crave someone that has never and will never be there. my hope is still alive somewhere in my brain, but then there is reality that tells me what is actually going on and what will never be. i fucking just want to tell them. get it over with. i think it would relieve whatever stupid tension that is stuck in my brain. but probably would compromise our friendship...make it awkward maybe. i dont know.

i want my emotions and hormones to stop fucking with my perception of my body. the end.

It rained today. I still rode though. The more I make myself go, the more I enjoy it. It makes me feel kind of invincible and happy. I probably should stay off the busier streets, but I actually find it more fun to be riding right next to cars. Pushing my comfort limits to the edge. Or maybe I want to get hit by a car. Fuck up my face a little. Er. Hmm.

i thought i had more to say. guess not.

toxic

im not quite sure why i let myself turn into a pile of virgin toxicity. pretty much made myself look like an ass while also realizing what i was doing to my body. it is amazing. drugs are amazing and ridiculous. waste of time. and when i say drugs. i mean caffeine. alcohol. and cigarettes. i guess it may have been good for me to experience it once. so i know why i choose a life of sobriety. but. i cant help but feel painful regret in choking down five or six cigarettes. probably the nastiest thing you could ever do to yourself. i think im going to somewhat fast for three days. hopefully detoxify my body of the havoc i made it endure last night. fuck.

also in the alter reality. im pretty sure i said a few things that im going to later regret. when does that not happen. i sound really cliche right now. fuck. im not quite sure who heard them. but. damn. besides the few random regretful statements. the only thing semi-good that came out of this was the experience i had talking to some people. its amazing how social one can get with the right substances in their bloodstream. i am hoping most of it was psychological. that i knew i wasn't right in the head. so i had an excuse for being outgoing and whatnot. i want to somehow trick my brain into thinking that yes ashley. you can talk to people with confidence just being yourself with your own head. it will be a work in progress i suppose.

i rode home last night. it is so much colder here than portland. the wind seemed to bite my face and pull my mind from my body. if that makes sense. i felt kind of detached. maybe it was because of my slow sobering that messed up my emotions. i came home and cried until i fell asleep. upset at what i did. feeling extremely self conscious and regretting my self destructive habits that for whatever reason. decided to shove their little demon hands down my throat after dinner with my mom. its funny how you think you are done with something. you feel that you healed and are progressing towards something beautiful and strong. just to later find yourself face down in a kaleidescope of what used to be tofu stir fry.

i think i am staying until tomorrow. i want some loose peppermint tea. so i dont have to spend $2 on it down the block. need to....see my father. vacuum my car. hhhm. i only got three hours of sleep and it will probably hit me hard in the face later today.