paperclip

what is this life. is it a movie? do you live it expecting a beginning. build up. climax. and conclusion? do you watch it with previous notions on what it will be like? you hear mixed reviews. see failures. see box office hits. do you hope your life will end like the beautiful love story? or more like the suspenseful action movie...end it all with big car crashes and courageous sacrifices....hm. most people watch like its their top priority. get the notes right. get the movie right. make it beautiful so those who gave you life can raise their heads high and be proud of such an accomplishment. or perhaps you are some awkward abstract indie film. you don't live by anyones rules but your own. but in doing so. you seek the attention and love of those looking for such stories. they strive toward the abstract. feed off your aura. you beautiful unique you. liquid movie. you fit right in between indie movie 1 and 3. little puttering rain cloud. rain on everyone else's parade. not quite environmentally friendly as you are. not quite unique as you are. this is your big show. life. and if people aren't in line with your rules they are playing this game wrong. are you hiding cards under the table? have some big secret that everyone else is unaware of? if you push and push and push....green and blue will reverse direction. righteous red has their big head too far up their holy asshole to see yellow making a bigger and more significant impact. sorry. go back to start. before we start judging the game. the movie. lets rewrite the rules. the screenplay. lets include those who have never seen it any other way. and those who refuse to change. this world is big enough for every piece. person. i want to change the world. i want you to want to change the world. i want you to live a life that [you] think is beautiful. a movie that you would watch. may make sense. or not. most importantly. that you are completely happy with the way in turns out. hm.

damnit

and this is how it starts.

the chemicals start circulating normally. and ashley's mind shuts off to let her hormones wreck havoc upon every thing she currently holds close. the sleepless nights are back. the sad tired eyes have returned. i remind her this is a phase. like before. this too shall pass. this too. ashley. save yourself from yourself.

your voice is lingering in these walls. and the sheets have held onto just enough to keep me thinking i will feel your arm around me as i drift off to sleep. but like the night before. there is a lack of warmth by my side. the walls are echoing but the sound is from my own voice. whispering to myself. telling myself that i am safe. sleep ashley.

part2

the nursing home made a few calls. she had been unwilling to get out of bed that morning. she was just too tired. and who to arrive at her side but [my own grandmother]. even though it was just a short drive for any of her immediate family. they probably knew what was coming and didn't want to take any time out of their busy schedules. she felt cold. even with a good friend by her side. talking a sweet simple conversation, she begins to feel her eyes close. this is the end.

my great aunt mable died about a month ago in her nursing home room. my grandmother was at her side. they said after she closed her eyes and right before she passed, her mouth was moving without sound. the nurses say that, this actually happens to a lot of patients right before they slip away. they said that they believe its either them greeting friends in heaven or them saying their last goodbyes to love ones.

my aunt flossy (the younger sister) died sometime in january the first death i have experienced really. since then, mable had been getting worse. i can only imagine. losing your sister. especially considering how close they were. and. and although my last blog on the subject was fairly fictitious as was the beginning of this one, she did wake up one night in the nursing home and couldn't sleep because she was afraid of dying. afraid of being alone and not being able to finish something she was writing about flossy.

i cant say if i believe in a heaven. but i like to believe in one for just the two of them. maybe they passed away and returned to the bodies they had when they were like...25. i guess they were pretty rambunctious back in the day. life of the party and all that fun stuff. maybe they are living it up.

when i have more time. im going to write about my thoughts on death. hm. this was just a note to myself.

burns

smoke twirls around this head and i have forgotten how to write. how to think. no. i remember how to think. responding is the problem. how does one respond to a mind that is convinced that this is a dream. living in a dream that will not make sense until it is finished. in the end. aren't we all just a little pawn in a magnificent game of chess. just playing. watching. making each move with too little or too much thought put into it. until. check. our hourglass is spilling the last few grains of rice. checkmate. we decay. our thoughtful minds are rotting. cells once alive with love happiness and inspiration are motionless and without hope.