a glass can only spill what it contains

Because I am having such a hard time figuring out my life, I wish to share a few things I am learning through these weird times. I want to do this through writing because, if you don't know me personally, I usually have a hard time putting my thoughts into words(spoken). Which usually leaves me silent, making gurgling noises, or saying something in a way I later regret. So. Learning. My sources are many. I am most thankful for a few amazing people that have inspired me beyond words, as well as a few good books that have found their way into my hands. So my first real blog. Will be some rambling about my new found ability to genuinely think for myself.

This world is full of people with beautiful ideas, and although mine are probably insignificant compared to others...being the smart, slightly creepy blog-lurker you are--I hope you are reading this with a goal to discover something about you and the world you have created for yourself.

For this is why [I] feel the need to meet [everyone] and read anything and everything that brings up anything new-beautiful-bizarre-unconventional--because I know that, being human, I have created small judgments, stereotypes, and opinions about everything surrounding me. This sometimes bothers me...a lot, because I realize there is a bigger picture--there really is something more to this idea-person-movement than meets the eye. The key is to getting the bigger picture--challenging yourself to think outside of the comfortable place you have formed within your mind. This might leave you questioning your values, opinions, beliefs--and this is when you decide if you have the courage to think for yourself. Instead of falling back on what was comfortable and secure....will you find a way to replace the routine thought processes that you play with on a daily basis?

One last thought on this. Instead of taking everything for what is is.....Will you question what you are told. This world too complex to be completely defined, and if you continue to feed off your parents, teachers, religious/political leaders...you have a good chance of forgetting that they too are just people. Trying to install their comfortable frame of mind upon you....because IT MAKES THEM HAPPY...therefore...IT WILL MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. I am not saying that teachers are brainwashing you or that parents don't have the right to teach their kids how to behave....I just want everyone to realize that oh! You too have a brain, that functions quite well given the right circumstances. and oh! You have the right to question or believe anything you want. Bottom line...there is a lot of information out there and if you are choosing to not bother...stay comfortable and warm.....you will be like millions of others. That will keep our society rotating in its closed-minded, gradually declining spiral of DESPAIR. Ok. that last sentence was over dramatic. moving on.

I realize that a good chunk of people that will be reading this already have a grasp on everything I just said. Preaching to the choir. I admire the choir. Let us sing beautiful music together.

stuck

So. Here is my day. Sundays are my day to think, and today...I believe I did quite a bit of that. Mostly about what I should do with the rest of my education.....life. I am taking yet another "career development" class here at CBC. and...I am finding that it is helping very little. ]: Of course. What was I thinking. I took it once before at Eastern....with no luck. and here I am. hoping that it will give me the magical answer of what major I should declare. I am a quarter into my junior year of college. undeclared. unsure. slightly unmotivated. (because of lack of decision-making/confusion). There are some areas I have been thinking about...but I seem to have this self-doubt....lack of confidence that I will succeed. I just want to do something I love. I don't need money. I don't need security. I just want to look forward to going to work. I want to be able to put my heart into whatever I choose to do.

my parents. grandparents. professors. are all telling me to just choose. I can always change later. I really don't get this. school is expensive. shouldn't I wait. to choose something I am passionate about. study something where I actually want to participate in class and try. because I am genuinely interested in it. at eastern, and even here at CBC...there are kids in my classes that could care less. they went to college because it was the thing to do. because their parents made them. because to succeed in life, you need that freaking four year degree. don't get me wrong. some kids are totally motivated to achieve their goals. get that degree. do whatever it is they want to do. then I see the kids that barely come to class. that barely get that passing grade. that take english 201 three times before passing. where is your college degree going to take you? what do you want in life? tell me. obviously you have more important things to do. other than class and homework. annnnnd why am I sitting here bashing the slightly unmotivated college kids. when in actuality. they are me. just in a different light. I sit through my classes. listen to the mind numbing droning. bull shit the assignments. get the better grade. but what does that really get me? puts me in the same place as the kids who skip class and barely pass. what do I want out of my education? I want a sense of myself. I want to learn how I can better this world.

so. this ends my yammering on about that. to all my friends that are in college. done with college. not in college. tell me. how did you decide what to do. are you in love with your life? please tell.

on to other things. less important things.

my mom has brought us home a new family. and I really don't know how I feel about it. she has a new boyfriend. that has two kids. I guess it just rattles me a bit. because shes had this new bf for about two weeks...maybe. and this last week it was dinner with rob every night at our house. after dinner it was snuggling with rob on the couch. getting intoxicated (my mom never drinks). making out. and im in my room. walking to the kitchen. going to class. microwaving some soup. in my mind. "WHAT THE FUCCCCCKKK". my mom is 14 again. its kind of funny. I need to get out of this house again. I want my mom to be able to do her own thing. I just find it terribly awkward with me here.
i have to be at work at 4am tomorrow. guess that means i will sleep soon. couple more months. then. im leaving. seattle. portland. somewhere. canada? maybe ill move to dc and live with erin. who knows.

normal days

I am being suffocated by anxious thoughts. You can only stare at an object so long before your eyes un-focus and everything is blurry. My professor is melting into a globular shape of color and fuzz. Fuzzy lines and mumbled words, and suddenly I am trying to decide whether to listen or just to hear what he has to say on the subject at hand. I decide on the latter and quietly stare forward, listening to each word as it is spoken. In my head, I try to predict what will come out next. If you have ever tried to do this, it is quite bizarre. Almost like I am reading his mind. Ok. Crazy. Ashley you are crazy. Back to staring forward....

My thoughts dance in and out behind me eyes. Am I living? Is this autopilot? Ashley is on autopilot. In control. but plagued with a repetitive dizzy spell. She has become molded by her work. school. comfortable habits. into some sort of artificial robotic girl. the girl that answers the phone at work. the girl that throws together half-assed art projects for her class. because the inspiration has all dried up. She is busy all day, and doesn't like to sleep. It feels like a waste. Especially when you go and go and go. and just when you think all your work/school is done.....it is ten o'clock at night. and you were unable to fulfill any personal projects or goals you would have liked to. Instead, I come home. Think about doing some sort of school work, feel uninspired and tired--and throw it aside. I eat some sort of microwave food or soup and head to my room. I then decide to type up my thoughts on all of this. In hopes that someone else will get something out of it. I hope this will be the case. I also hope I can take my own advice sometime soon.

I guess I am just a bit confused. I recently went to the east coast to visit my sister. It was an amazing trip. My first real vacation in over a year. It felt really good. Like. Autopilot was off. From the moment our plane landed in maryland to the day we got back to seattle, we took the present by storm. With no real set plans or schedules, we were able to enjoy each moment as it happened. I have to say. This was probably my first time really just going for it--not really planning so much ahead. (Have Heart?) Like. Riding ten different means of public transportation to get to baltimore. To see circle takes the square. Sitting in a realllllly sketchy part of town. Trying to decide if we should still attempt to get to the show--even though it would mean we might not be able to get back to the college that night. We went for it. and I have to say. I am glad we did. We actually ended up stuck at the airport that night. but found some random guy from san fran to split a cab with us. to get back to the college. He worked for google. odd.

Hopefully that was somewhat relevant to what I am trying to say. I really don't want my permanent situation to be some nine to five desk job. I want to experience life. And people. And I want that for all my friends as well. There is no reason to be discontent when we are this young. No reason to stay in this chokehold. My fuzzy mumbling teacher will still be here when I get back. If I come back.



Swing by and pick me up. We can travel the world.