Veloceraptor

i find it amazing that a few simple words can change my whole outlook of a person. a person who i had kept dear to my heart for so long. even after things had ended. i had hoped to keep a friendship alive. of course. its interesting how much you learn about a person after the veil of infatuation has been lifted. a relationship can be a powerful thing. especially if it is prolonged and supposedly serious. but i guess i was wrong about the whole serious scenario.

flattered by kind words and actions. its easy to allow yourself to fall for the next "attractive" person that comes along. and by attractive. i mean the "fun" [superficial?] personality and [invisible] (shallow) intentions that come along with that [pretty face]. you lose yourself. you lose your heart. you [may] become dependent on this person. make them your life. sometimes. you let them walk all over you. whats wrong with this picture. this is [your] life to live. maybe someday. you will want to share it with someone who connects with you on your [same level]. but come on....

i am 20 years old. ive had one "serious" relationship. being my first. i let myself become completely dependent on the other individual. by doing this. i completely halted my personal growth. perhaps that is why. throughout the whole relationship. i had experienced bouts of confusion and anxiety concerning life. i had difficulties thinking for myself. because there was always my significant other there. to either affirm or reject each thought or action. your young adult years are a time of major development. of your beliefs. morals. ideas. you are becoming who you are meant to be. if that makes sense. of course. some relationships. even when you are young. can be beautiful and positive experiences. even if they end prematurely. i didn't realize this until after the fact. almost 7 months down the road.

i guess what im trying to say. i am glad my past relationship happened.....i am glad. it ended. i wish i hadn't let myself fall apart as much as i did after the breakup. but now i feel completely content being single. [living life] not desperately seeking a significant other...like i see so many people doing. im not sure if i believe in fate. but. if it is meant to be. i will eventually find someone who will complement my personality and lifestyle. for now. i will keep my heart close. and my mind clear of distractions. when you are young. [and single]. you have the world. you have every possibility. now--its just allowing yourself to take the plunge.

this entry has way too much variation of mood/voice/topic...oh well. i was kind of pissed off when i started it. but now. i feel better. knowing that i am over all of this. i feel good about the present and the future. i wish i could give any of my friends who are struggling with the ["need"] to be ["loved"] the realization that i have come to recently. [live] right now. when you aren't tied down by the [relationship-marriage-kid-house-allamericandream] bullshit that you may think you want. experience [everything]. travel. create and develop friendships. cherish the time you have with every person you meet. they will leave a lasting impression on you. even if you don't realize it. and above all. realize that you [are loved.] by some of the most important people in your life. your family. friends. and probably some people you barely know.

and now. to end this horribly preachy/slightly whiny excuse for a blog. [to my friends]: i appreciate all of you. you continue to astound and amaze me. [to my acquaintances]: you too have impacted my life. i want to know you better. [to those i don't know]: i really want to meet you.