gnawing at the mind. a moment where you lose your ambitions. goals. anything of much importance is worthless. where is the self control. where is the ability to decipher what is helping you and what is hurting you.

my eyes are lost in admiration. they are not listening to the brain. who tells me to stop stop stop stop stop stop. this is a train wreck waiting to happen. you are a train wreck waiting to happen. your sweet talk and soft touch. might as well be vulgar words and a slap on the face. what made you believe that you were invited to my life.

who is going to fix this world....who is going to make it all better.

sweet song

sparrows are scared. like there is something out to get them. they hop around in pairs and will visit you if you are eating something worth their while. they will share whatever crumbs miss your mouth and fall to the ground.

pigeons are a little braver. marching around like they are important. they fight over food and gather in twos and threes. not interested in crumbs, just the bigger morsels that seem a bit more sustaining.

crows are the cream of the crop. they linger in solitude. but gather when food is abundant. they stride with a crooked gait and are known and seen to be very intelligent. mischievously stealing food from comrades but also calling for friends when there is plenty.

ive made friends with the birds at work. they know i am always up for dropping a little too much of my breakfast upon the sidewalk.

wind

im waiting for my heart to stop.

the deceased are walking hand in hand. a presence that sends a shiver down my spine. torn decaying clothing. hair down their backs. no eyeballs. just sockets. dry cracking lips attempt a smile at the living. reproducing cells created us. age destroys us. and death brings us back to the earth. the deceased are dust. we are dust. with a little breeze. we are gone.

skinny vanilla

im caught up in a feeling of hopelessness. for this world. for its people. for its environment. we are continuing on a road of destruction. devastation. we talk. talk. talk. blog. complain. about what everyone else is doing. and do little to actually cure the disease. myself included. i have found a stagnant point in my life where i feel like my little progressive steps are minuscule. insignificant. not that i am choosing to stop. but i am finding myself more and more depressed as i serve the very people i want to influence. filling wax filled partially recycled corporate labeled "disposable" coffee cups with skinny vanilla lattes. over-sized plastic cylinders with high fattening sugar-poisoned frappicinos with a smile and a "have a good day". they mumble a regurgitated "thanks" "you too". to which i wonder has any meaning in itself except for the idea that this automated response kind of slips out like a sneeze or cough. sure. i will assist you towards the journey of obesity. diabetes. "second shot for free"? more caffeine to prolong your addiction? up the energy to buy more corporate labeled highly processed groceries to which you will fill ten plastic bags to later throw away. i will help you to fill our landfills. sure i will ring up your fried chicken and cheese laden greasy pizza. "no coffee today?" you are sure missing out. little girls ordering "light" beverages. already fearing themselves. sorry your mother denied you the 400 calorie muffin. it will go straight to your thighs you know. no one wants fat little girls. hhhhm. my brain is being pulled in so many directions these days. i dont know what to say. what to write. i dont know how to react to myself. i just want to be a bird. and fly away. a butterfly in the grill of your SUV. thats what ill be. hosed off with the rest of the pests.

080808

im lost somewhere in between the need to be strong and the overwhelming haunt of emptiness. loneliness. there are people crawling everywhere. and yet. im moving in slow motion in a desolate field of dead urban dandelions. trampled by the steady stride of hollowed eyed gaping mouthed faces. these translucent beings are not here. in my decaying paradise. silent. brainwashed. the ghosts pretend not to see me. straight gazed. hard face. i am no one worth while. and they continue on their way. i continue to be intoxicated by the allure of the city. the beauty of people. the little joys that seep out of the most unlikely places...i have made it my daily goal to purposely trip in these holes. all i want is to drown in a puddle of honesty. a river of realization. of what this world has in store for me. and i fiercely shake my head and curse my eyes. fuck everything and everyone that i have fallen in love with. i had my world. and i miss it.