spiders

my knees are keeping my heart company and my head is meeting the cold concrete with little hesitation. i am on top of a mountain. i look up expecting bright clouds to greet my curious glance. all i see is little specks of blue where the fur trees fail to paint the sky and i gaze downward. the forest is crawling with spiders. all on personal adventures that the rest of existence is unaware of. eight legs carry them across the grassy treacherous terrain. and we wonder what his little brain is thinking about. food? shelter? his many enemies. including my ignorant shoe that may end his fearless journey upon my desire to dive deeper into this wood. i walk on. hoping the best for my little friend. for a split second, my sight is tainted red and i feel the most comforting warmth engulf my body. starting at my head and flowing like water towards my ankles. i'm curious to what kind of strain my heart can handle. what kind of nature it can endure. i open my eyes to smoke and screaming. where am i. what has this place become. my head is bleeding but i feel the most comforting feeling of content-ness right between my knees. right next to the thud thud of dying dreams.

watch out. little fat rain cloud hovering just a few inches from this cheek biting face. my inability to write is making me frustrated. i have too many ideas circulating lately. mostly how work is making me mentally ill. i feel too tired. too lonely. too corporate. fred meyer is leeching me of any creative thought and action i might have had. i am diseased. and looking for a new job.

i have also been reading too much. listening to too much. thinking too much. i cant say i know where my hope for a more beautiful existence spawned from. but its fading away faster than i can attempt to solidify it. all i hear about is the impending doom of our economy. our government. this country. i read about the rising cost of living. food. gas. wages will stay the same. less jobs. people are making too many babies. killing too many people. too many animals. devastation is humans gift to our earth and dehumanization is our gift to each other. what is this life. what does it mean for all the people that [get it]. happiness? is that all we can wish upon ourselves. a petty human emotion that brings a warm feeling to our gut. is that all that we are concerned with? its one of those days. when happiness doesn't look appealing. where success is not defined and never will be. where i am falling into a cycle of confused construction of self in the morning, and never failing destruction in the evening.

nod

you will not catch me upon your swift wings. i am a flighty one myself. indecisive on what way to turn. when to stop. when to go. nod once for no twice for yes. you will find me. looking out over Icelandic like blue. the wind in my hair whispers to me. mermaid hair. it curls for you. blurry eyes attempt to focus on your hands holding mine. too young for age to disease. too old for ignorance to capture. we are lost to this world.

my fingers cannot quite form the words i wish to write.