i am so happy. so sad. so happy. happy.

destructive fingers upon every little imperfection. attempting a treatment that this mind has constructed. my blood is blue beneath my skin. a reminder that we are all a little lifeless inside. where is the soul? definitely not skin deep. not alongside the little bit of death we all harbor. i see it in your eyes. i feel it in your touch. these souls have touched me. these people have touched me. beneath the blue death. beneath these imperfections. i want to hold you all and keep you close. these people keep me warm. keep my spirit and passion living. even if a little bit of me is dead.

one. your words are focused and strong. no hesitation. i keep them next to my heart and near my brain. you keep me grounded. no pity was the best thing you could have done for me. one of the smartest people i know. you are going somewhere. even if you don't quite know where that is. yet. two. insecure but confident at the same time. you bear a passion that i could only dream of. and a pessimistic optimism that keeps me melancholy in the happiest sense of the word. i only want the best for you. don't settle for less. your heart will lead you to happiness. three. my twenty four hour help line. my life ring. the hope and strength you drilled into my head will never stray a few inches from my heart. my spirit. i have repeated your words to myself too many times to count. our friendship cannot be described or defined and i really wouldn't have it any other way. it will all click someday. for both of us. big things. remember? big things. four. both compromising and uncompromising. you know when to be there for people you care about but also realize that this is your life to live. you will never fail to pursue what you truly desire. with little regard to what others may think. i aspire to be half as brave as you. half as strong to do what i want without holding back to live a life others may have placed before me. five. my heart aches knowing you are beneath the same sky. but a little too far to share the feeling i get when looking up. it beats a little too fast thinking about your smile and a little too hard hearing your voice. you have reminded me to live. and continue to save me from myself without realizing it. you continue to remind me of the more important reasons to live. and give me hope that things will be beautiful someday. you are going to do amazing things. and hopefully i will be within arms distance.

doris

i am not sure what is perpetuating this off mood. a mix of irrational loneliness. school/work induced stress. and my on/off habit of attempting to eat/treat myself healthier. i feel so tired and sad. i mean. im pretty good at picking myself up momentarily. but overall i feel. down.

im pressing my hands on either side of my head. hard. maybe so hard that i could collapse my brain and find relief. hm. sometimes i wonder why i am not like some people. the ones that don't think much past what they are going to wear that day/when they will study/what events are occurring during the coming weekend. the ones with goals. marriage. career. success. why didn't i turn out like that. and just choose to worry about my immediate self and surroundings. instead. i sit here and stress about my consuming habits. not eating necessarily. but purchasing. and the money issue necessarily. but the support i am giving all of these questionable corporations. i think about people in far away countries. i think of them dieing and it makes me sad. i think of my great aunt alone in a nursing home and i feel sick. hm i lied. i do think about my future quite a bit. maybe too much. maybe i should just take life as it comes. i just worry that i wont make an impact. i want to do something. big.

i want so much to be happy. all the time. or most of the time. for him. all for him. because i know how much he loves to see me smile and hear that i have had a good day. hearing him smile is the best part of my day. thats all i get most of the time. a smile over the phone. and it gives me butterflies and makes me content.

i bought some daisies and planted them in pots. made me a little happier. ive been reading this anthology which is ten years of a zine called Doris. it reassures me that there are people that think similar to myself. my brain isn't as defective as once thought.

i have a final on monday and a paper due on wednesday. my plan was to work on them this afternoon. this did not get accomplished. i physically hurt everywhere. and i dont know why.

alone

they found the younger sister face down in her living room. cause of death: heart failure. she had been smoking her whole life--at ninety four, you would think she probably had lived a pretty fulfilling existence. caught off guard. the older sister glanced down at her knobby pale hands, she wondered what made it right for her younger sister to just fall asleep and not wake up. or in this case, just [give up] and collapse to the ground. she had felt absent minded lately, but had come to terms with it. her blue eyes turning gray and her skin clinging to every bone...that also seemed to be getting thinner and weaker with time. aging is a fact of life. she felt alright because she had her best friend--her sister at her side. the same week her mind started to stray. she left a casserole in her oven overnight and woke up to find the house full of smoke. no fire. but she dreaded the smell that would linger for weeks...and went back to sleep.

ten weeks later she awakes from restless sleep shaking--freezing. the nursing home her family had put her in kept the temperature at a so-called comfortable sixty eight degrees. a good four degrees cooler than she kept her own home. she felt incredibly anxious but realized that it was probably just her irrational mind. anxiety had taken over since her family found her unfit to live on her own anymore. she slowly felt herself drifting away. but she knew that she had so much more to accomplish in this world. she had wanted to write. write a memoir of her sister--her best friend. so tired. this world wasn't beautiful anymore. it was four walls of white and the nice nurse that checked in every couple hours. a television replaced the wildflowers that she handpicked in her neighborhood every week. she just wanted flowers, but her caregivers couldn't allow it--they would irritate other patients. just flowers.

she was allowed to take short walks as long as someone went with her. first they take away her home. then her flowers. now. personal freedom was limited. but when she wasn't walking anywhere, they left her in solitude. with only her thoughts to console her. or rather--to cause her to be even more distant from herself.

every night she climbed into bed with a knot in her stomach. terrified that she would slip away during the night and no one would know. alone and cold she realized. it would all end.

[hhm. inspired by true events. fuck]

just empty words

ready go. my body found the floor last night. dizzy spells and sad thoughts. i collapse into a mess upon the carpet. it has been an instinctual thing since i was little. sick? sad? upset? i find comfort in the uncomfortable solidness. i would be lying if i said i haven't been thinking about the situation we could both allow ourselves to fall into. these are the happiest times of my life. also the most confusing. there is a knot in my throat where you sit. relationships are about interactions. interactions spawn growth and love. i am terrified of losing everyone important to me. perhaps i am being over dramatic. distance does not weaken friendships. it just changes them. pretty soon it will be the casual [heyyyyy its so good to see you but i have no idea who you are anymore.] it is my nature to be naturally independent. or in other words. a loner. so how do i solve this problem. i move further away from the few people i am able to open up to. to close myself up even more. i am living for everything and nothing.

the nihilist inside is also clawing at the the back of my neck every so often. i hate her. she doesn't realize how happy i am. how great i could make my life if i let myself. im reading [the corporation] [also a documentary]. its amazing and makes me think about the ashley-consumer more than ever. i am disgusted with myself and society. but besides boycotting the world. what will my angst towards these ideas fix. not much. so i sit here sipping on my huge aquafina. bottled water. a joke in itself. i will continue to work my whorish super-corporate-monster job. until i can find a suitable more agreeable alternative. i will watch the economy destroy itself and watch the world rape mother nature and kill itself. i will sit frustrated in that i have no idea where to start and no energy to pursue the cure to devastation. i am like the billions of other people in this world. attempting to figure life out and live it to reach some comfortable end. one step at a time. i want more than that. i want so much more than living to find death.

this bad mood will pass. hopefully. there is nothing i want more than to be content. i don't even have to be happy. just help me find a middle ground where i can remain between the annoying state of extreme happiness and the never-ending pull of the burnside bridge.im not a suicide risk. just a seeker of opportunity and peace.