normal

in the last year or so, i have found whenever i am anxious or nervous my hands somehow find their way to my face. with my face being broken out lately...i've found myself picking at my face. which is a horrible habit. it not only puts more dirt/oil/whatever on your skin, it prevents healing. one thing im not looking forward to. having freaking nasty scarred up skin when im older. i've found that I have been getting way more nervous recently. not sure if it is the company or just my general insecurities.

i straight out asked ben today if i was overly awkward. of course he had a long wordy answer concerning how he believes my brain acts in certain situations. im sure he was just trying to make me feel better. but i cant help but feel further insecure. i've talked about this before. but. it has been going through my head more and more as i continue to interact with people. ben says its obvious my mind is going a million miles a minute in these situations. that i just need to learn to relax and not think so much. haven't i been saying this to myself for the past few YEARS?

why do i worry so much about what people think. is it because i feel that i've always kind of been in a gray-area with people. like. im not loveable, but im not really disliked. im like oatmeal. plain. liked by most people, but also not a favorite breakfast food--like pancakes or waffles. bad analogy.

i want this to be like a movie. where i have this really deep realization that i too can be normal and fun--and then the movie fades to night and later i am portrayed as a confidant, witty, fun-to-be-around individual. but really. would this be myself. i don't want to have to change for anyone. but really. i just feel like i still put on a fake-ish ashley at certain times. not like target-ashley. but. a hesitant. attempt at being normal. normal is a joke though.

im kind of talking in circles. i wish i could get over whatever mind block i have and just be. fuck. i just want to throw something against a wall.

kill us all

today. signed my life away. got a couple blue polos to prove it.

"pimples are the lords way of chastising you."

made for TV "Carrie" is horrible. but that line made me smile. GOD MUST WANT ME TO STAY PURE FOREVER. ahhhh. but seriously. my face has been nasty lately. maybe its sugar or caffeine. im not sure.

lucas visited me this weekend. it was really nice to see a familiar face and catch up with tri cities news. its also funny how I am actually able to act like myself when I am around comfortable company. so. yeah. took luke to powells and blossoming lotus. im glad they are coming down sometime in march. i really want to see the whole gang. they keep me normal and happy.

i wish i could bring boo to portland. i miss him a lot. and psycho.

time

my stomach hurts. anxiety is getting to me. i think its a mix from work-school-social issues. which is basically. everything.

today i have orientation for PSU at 1ish. im going to attempt to bike there. but im kind of nervous. monday drivers...busy roads. hm. it should last until around 5....right at rush hour...great. we will see.

target was suppose to call me today...regarding my old position at their store. fuck. i dont want to work there. or best buy. blacksheep bakery posted an ad on craigslist this morning. so i responded to that...probably wont get a response. but i can hope. that i will be getting a job that isnt target or bestbuy.

hung out with some awesome people this weekend. and ive never before felt more awkward. weird. out of place as the last few days. its weird. working at target for 7 months, i felt like i was slowly becoming more outgoing and better at talking to people. but then i look back and realize im seriously...really quiet and odd. ive watched both science of sleep and amelie in the last few days and realize that my life parallels both of those movies. in amelie, you have the main character who is really quiet, reserved--but she has a mystical quality that eventually connects with another person who is similar. im not saying i have some inner special attractive quality, but sometimes i hope that is the case. in science of sleep, the main character cant really differentiate his reality from his dreams. i have to say. the last couple years. i have felt that sometimes i set up this alter reality to temporary place myself into. its more a frame of mind where everything is 'right', where i feel comfortable and happy.

i dont know. guess im just getting kind of down. with the copious amount of time i have to sit and think about these things. hmhmhmhmhm

eyes

i feel sick. just ate some cakey baked thing from sweetpea and a coffee. i need to stop. especially the coffee business. way too expensive. since its saturday. end of the week. i guess i will make it a goal starting tomorrow. i also want to start biking more. driving less. as soon as i can get a discounted tri-met pass from PSU, im definitely using the public transit for all of my commuting. hhmhmhm

biked around today. i dont know why i had such a hesitation before. it feels really good. im way out of shape. but hopefully it will get better. i feel oddly more comfortable biking at night rather than the day. less people on the roads or something...i dunno.

abandon hope all who enter here.

i would be pleasantly surprised if you are reading this. actually i wouldn't be surprised at all. i think you play the dumb card when it comes to internet lurking. because i know i do. i feel we are one in the same sometimes. except you are much more mysterious leaving no trace or clue. i like to leave little hints for the people who are smart enough to look. such as yourself. thinking of you. i hope thats not creepy. i guess ive come to the conclusion that as much as i admire you. perhaps that is all it will ever be. an infatuation with what could be "us". a craving of your hand in mine that will never be fulfilled. its ok. i think i have come to terms and will live with your eyes just behind my eyelids.

awkward

denali will always be my safe net.

last night i hung out with some friends that i originally met in spokane...that are now living in portland. i was actually invited to this portland guys bday party ish thing, but i met him through my spokane friends. i love meeting new people. hearing what they have to say and kind of learning their take on life. my only regret is not being able to be myself right off the bat. i guess everyone feels a little reserved from time to time. but i feel downright awkward MOST of the time around new people. worst part...i constantly beat myself up on the inside the whole night for not acting 'normal'. these are the times when i wish i was more like curtis....or some other really outgoing people i know and admire. i guess its just a learning thing. learning to accept that maybe thats how it will always be. until i warm up to people. they get the quiet awkward ashley girl.

my mom came into vancouver last night with a few things that i forgot from home. including a printer. which im pumped for. no more driving in circles looking for the kinkos closest to my house to print off resumes. i will be looking for a different job in the next few days. my goal is to possibly get an interview anywhere else before wednesday...before best buy will supposedly call me.

i dont know why this whole bestbuy/target thing is stressing me out. i should be content getting any job. maybe feel lucky that i dont have to wash dishes at some grimy steakhouse. it could be way worse im sure.

bitter sweet

friday.
any other friday with no work and i would be hanging with people. its kind of bummer when you have no one to really hang with. all of my friends are in spokane. if i left now...i wouldnt make it there in time. nah. maybe i would be just a little late. perhaps that wouldnt be so bad. but really. i have no money to be carelessly traveling.

got offered the blasted best buy job. went and peed in a cup to prove im not a junkie today. hhm. also. got a call from target. I GUESS their HR team member is leaving soon. so. there is a possibility of getting my old job back. the question is. do i really want to take the eye-straining/bland as hell/desk job back. i have the uniform for target. i know how to do the job. ahhh. or will i take the best buy job. its a job merchandising. basically- setting product on the floor according to corporate plan-o-grams. personally. i rather not take either of the retail jobs. i would really LOVE to get out of retail. but what can you do. so the next question is. what job would i feel less guilty leaving. luke would get mad at me knowing that i feel guilt at leaving some company like target. but...it just happens. i guess i would feel more guilty leaving target for a second time. and if i did get my old job back, i would have to train a replacement. (like I did before. stressful in itself...for sure.) dont know. the target is closer to home. blah.

also. trying to get my school shit organized. hopefully i will be attending an orientation on monday to learn more about the school and being a transfer student. i was happy to find out that i have all the pre-reqs for a BS in science. now all i need are the classes for the major itself. so, no more filler classes needed. just specialized classes. for a major that i am not yet decided on. GREAT. ive decided im really pumped to hear shai hulud play with earth crisis. they are good. hm hm.

i was invited to a potluck tonight with a bunch of people i do not know. kind of nervous. dont know what to bring. i will probably end up not bringing anything. i just wont eat. thats fair right?

i also just found out there is an indoor pool like....200 feet from my apt. for about $3 I can go swim laps in a 20 yard pool...haha....i could flip at the wall and coast to the other end. i guess i will try it out and see.


do you realize how i feel? do you. do you. do you realize that your name rolls off my tongue every now and again. i am alone with no one to hear. but the taste brings me a small happiness like you are actually here and listening.

one week

so. today hits the one week mark. been in portland for onnnnne whole week. it feels both longer and shorter depending on my mood. right now. i dont really feel level headed.

i did get my acceptance letter today from PSU...so...no more stressing about whether i will be taking classes this spring...now, just to decide what i will take. what classes to take towards what freaking degree. i still have to wait on them to evaluate my cbc credits....but yeah. guess i should decide here pretty quick.

applied at a pet kennel. they groom and take care of cats/dogs....hm. i felt semi-good about it, because i actually got to hand the application to someone who talked to me a bit. i hope she calls early tomorrow. because....also got my first call back since ive been here...applying to every little craigslist job and online application i can. the job is at BESTBUY. AH. WHY CANT I ESCAPE CORPORATE RETAIL? the best buy is also out by the airport...a good 10 miles away....ben says the max goes straight there...so that might be an option....I really dont know what to do. I can half-ass the interview in hopes that I will get another call back sometime this week or put everything i got into it to possibly and probably get some lame job wearing a blue shirt and khakis. part of me wants the security that comes with having a job, but part of me wants to wait to find a job with a company i feel better about supporting. i dont know. I guess I could get this best buy job and continue to look for a more legit job....because i really wouldnt feel bad about leaving a big retail chain again. crazy turn over.

i just made a really good stirfry....but ate too much. i think my stomach has shrunk a bit...because i have had a bad habit of not eating regular meals....just eating when i feel hungry...which hasn't been often. because of job-stress and lack of social contact. i see so many interesting people around. but i feel so awkward and out of place that I cant make myself go say hello.

i have felt really homesick the last couple days too. not really missing my house. but missing the company i have come to expect on a daily basis. hopefully things will get better when i get a job...and get back in school.

my bike! i got around to taking it to a bike shop close to my house. but decided i probably have an inner ear problem along the way. maybe its the bike....not quite used to it yet. im kind of all over the place when i ride...and tip over really easy. balance issues perhaps.

my stomach really hurts and i cant stop thinking about someone.

ribbons

The week has started once again. I was hoping all the potential employers I have sent resumes to in the last few days would fill my voice mail box with lovely messages concerning interviews and such. Too bad I didn't get any calls today. I ended up going back to the Target close to my house and filling another application out. I think I will end up calling them tomorrow to talk to their temp HR or something. I just want something to do during the day. A little money coming in. I even went so far as to go to the Target in Clakamas....way far away. They weren't hiring either. blah. I really hate to go back to working some lame retail job, but when you have actual expenses to take care of...freaks me the hell out. I've applied at all the surrounding fred meyers. the local best buy. safeway. FREAKING NASTY PLACES. I've also sent my resume with cover letter to multiple ads on craigslist for office/receptionist jobs. I guess its a waiting game/luck.

Tomorrow...I think i will hit up a pet-sitting company that had an ad on craigslist...trader joes...and maybe some other new season markets around the area. work work work.

its one in the am and i am not tired. i need to sleep...but. dont want to waste time better spent...doing online applications. hahaha. everything needs to be free and shared. i think the world would be happier.

scattered

Is it love or lust when you constantly yearn for someones company. Nothing more than to be sitting in the same room, taking in the same air. Maybe a glance. What is it called where you crave someones eyes meeting yours, their slight smile at your conversation, their voice directed towards your ears. I don't know...but I have experienced this feeling far before the move to Portland and I don't really know how to handle it.