eye lashes

we are drowning in a sea of the most discriminating open minded progressive thinkers of our time. and I hope I am not a hypocrite myself for saying such a thing. i meet the most fascinating and creative people on a daily basis. i love them and I don't even know them. I wish I had some sort of confidence in myself. I would express the utmost affection for who they are and what they have the potential to do for this world. we are a nation of thinkers. dreamers. activists. leaders. followers. we need the loud and we need the reserved. why do we continue to isolate ourselves in a [safe] [sub]culture bubble where everything is happy and serene? we look at those deviating from our definition of what is [right] with disgust and the desire to fix their [problem]. we decide that their brains MUST function in a twisted. abnormal. unhealthy way. and we can either berate them for their dysfunction or somehow [cure] the ailment with alienation and discrimination. you are not invited to our exclusive gatherings. you are not invited to have one progressive thought without the other ones. basically. your process of thinking is far inferior to mine. [even though you are a pretty cool person, try a little harder and be like me. if there were more me[s] in this world, my reality would be a little more comfortable]

i am a tad bit frustrated as of late. again. ok. i am like this MOST of the time. mostly because i am constantly surround by amazing ideas and movements. but unable to do my part for all of them because there isn't enough time during this lifetime. i hate to think that I [do what i can] because i usually get furious with myself for not doing more. i guess where i fall short is when attempting to [educate] those who may be unaware of some [important] ethical thoughts i have found within the last few years of my life.

where do we draw the line between wanting to fix these unethical practices and allowing people to think for themselves and take responsibility for their life choices and actions that follow them. how do we define what is unethical when the idea of ethics in itself is not a solid factual idea. we can only take our ethical beliefs from those religions we follow during our journey through life. [and when i say religion. i am using it in its most general sense. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion]]. but is this just how we are. because faith feels so good. we will completely devote ourselves to our movements. our labels. until these words. these ideas become us. and we become the ideas. we fear the taboo associated with the evolution of the ethical values we may find within ourselves. again. if you deviate from my ideal moral perfectness, we will desert you. we will berate you. how dare you demoralize me by changing your process of thought rationalization and ethical beliefs. also. we group ourselves together and decide that we are the elite. or pretty close to it. is this perpetual branching of progressive thinkers what keeps us from social change? we do not see ourselves in those even a little bit different than us and think these people. so distant from our own reflections. cannot possibly desire the same social change as us. because it is more comfortable to work with those exactly like us, we stay in our smaller cultural circles. that. seem to me. could be preventing the thinkers. dreamers. activists as a whole to bring about change.

mind you. this was written by a very tired. very frustrated. very abstract mind. my brain is often caught running in circles. and i haven't found a way to stop it. i probably wrote what i wanted to say a little backwards and probably left some thoughts out. hm. i would also like to say. i am NOT anti-activists/anti-passionates/anti-progressives. i am very much in love with all of the above. i am just becoming more aware of the little sub-cultures we are ever so eager to mold ourselves into. hopefully we are not doing this to boost our image within these circles. but rather because we are truly passionate about the positive aspects our respective communities.

my brain is off for tonight

ellipses

she is having her reality problems again. i am questioning my own consciousness. still not quite sure if I am actually here or any of you are here. perhaps i am making up this whole world for myself...in my little awkward-not-very-sociable-brain. no. too selfish. maybe i am the product of someone else's big scheme. god? no. maybe someone who feeds off death. destruction. devastation. because that is all i see. all i hear about. if it isn't the thousands of people overseas. its the optimistic second-year theater student bicycling on her way to class. if it isn't the whalers off the coasts of japan. its the guy down the street who hit a deer while driving last week. i am going to drive the extra twenty miles to whole foods. the more ethical choice. bring my reusable shopping bags. and drive my 12mpg SUV home. i am going to order the nonfat latte with extra whip cream. buy the reduced fat oreos. i am going to wear vertical stripes because they are slimming. and the livestrong bracelet. to show that i live strongly. pink for breast cancer. pink for money towards animal testing and pharmaceuticals. money for drugs. not for cures. im selling my time to corporations who could care less about me and what i hope to achieve in this lifetime. [how are you today?] [would you like room?] [decaf nonfat?] suit and tie. it makes me look that much more important. way far superior to you. we work too much. sleep too little. not enough time to live in this lifetime. live. learn. buy. school. buy. more school. work. buy. work. buy. die. i don't think we were born to pursue material goods. born to love? pursue happiness? no. no. no. born to coexist with the billions of others who wish to rape this world in order to prove themselves to the higher being. born to destroy and reject anything and everything that is different from the small collection of values we hold for ourselves. for we have the universal truth. of what is right and just. we are all knowing aren't we? and [why wont they listen].....this purgatory is pointless. so lets all chew it up and spit it out. paradise is on the horizon. reality is gone. i am frustrated with so many things.

spiders

my knees are keeping my heart company and my head is meeting the cold concrete with little hesitation. i am on top of a mountain. i look up expecting bright clouds to greet my curious glance. all i see is little specks of blue where the fur trees fail to paint the sky and i gaze downward. the forest is crawling with spiders. all on personal adventures that the rest of existence is unaware of. eight legs carry them across the grassy treacherous terrain. and we wonder what his little brain is thinking about. food? shelter? his many enemies. including my ignorant shoe that may end his fearless journey upon my desire to dive deeper into this wood. i walk on. hoping the best for my little friend. for a split second, my sight is tainted red and i feel the most comforting warmth engulf my body. starting at my head and flowing like water towards my ankles. i'm curious to what kind of strain my heart can handle. what kind of nature it can endure. i open my eyes to smoke and screaming. where am i. what has this place become. my head is bleeding but i feel the most comforting feeling of content-ness right between my knees. right next to the thud thud of dying dreams.

watch out. little fat rain cloud hovering just a few inches from this cheek biting face. my inability to write is making me frustrated. i have too many ideas circulating lately. mostly how work is making me mentally ill. i feel too tired. too lonely. too corporate. fred meyer is leeching me of any creative thought and action i might have had. i am diseased. and looking for a new job.

i have also been reading too much. listening to too much. thinking too much. i cant say i know where my hope for a more beautiful existence spawned from. but its fading away faster than i can attempt to solidify it. all i hear about is the impending doom of our economy. our government. this country. i read about the rising cost of living. food. gas. wages will stay the same. less jobs. people are making too many babies. killing too many people. too many animals. devastation is humans gift to our earth and dehumanization is our gift to each other. what is this life. what does it mean for all the people that [get it]. happiness? is that all we can wish upon ourselves. a petty human emotion that brings a warm feeling to our gut. is that all that we are concerned with? its one of those days. when happiness doesn't look appealing. where success is not defined and never will be. where i am falling into a cycle of confused construction of self in the morning, and never failing destruction in the evening.

nod

you will not catch me upon your swift wings. i am a flighty one myself. indecisive on what way to turn. when to stop. when to go. nod once for no twice for yes. you will find me. looking out over Icelandic like blue. the wind in my hair whispers to me. mermaid hair. it curls for you. blurry eyes attempt to focus on your hands holding mine. too young for age to disease. too old for ignorance to capture. we are lost to this world.

my fingers cannot quite form the words i wish to write.

gnawing at the mind. a moment where you lose your ambitions. goals. anything of much importance is worthless. where is the self control. where is the ability to decipher what is helping you and what is hurting you.

my eyes are lost in admiration. they are not listening to the brain. who tells me to stop stop stop stop stop stop. this is a train wreck waiting to happen. you are a train wreck waiting to happen. your sweet talk and soft touch. might as well be vulgar words and a slap on the face. what made you believe that you were invited to my life.

who is going to fix this world....who is going to make it all better.

sweet song

sparrows are scared. like there is something out to get them. they hop around in pairs and will visit you if you are eating something worth their while. they will share whatever crumbs miss your mouth and fall to the ground.

pigeons are a little braver. marching around like they are important. they fight over food and gather in twos and threes. not interested in crumbs, just the bigger morsels that seem a bit more sustaining.

crows are the cream of the crop. they linger in solitude. but gather when food is abundant. they stride with a crooked gait and are known and seen to be very intelligent. mischievously stealing food from comrades but also calling for friends when there is plenty.

ive made friends with the birds at work. they know i am always up for dropping a little too much of my breakfast upon the sidewalk.

wind

im waiting for my heart to stop.

the deceased are walking hand in hand. a presence that sends a shiver down my spine. torn decaying clothing. hair down their backs. no eyeballs. just sockets. dry cracking lips attempt a smile at the living. reproducing cells created us. age destroys us. and death brings us back to the earth. the deceased are dust. we are dust. with a little breeze. we are gone.

skinny vanilla

im caught up in a feeling of hopelessness. for this world. for its people. for its environment. we are continuing on a road of destruction. devastation. we talk. talk. talk. blog. complain. about what everyone else is doing. and do little to actually cure the disease. myself included. i have found a stagnant point in my life where i feel like my little progressive steps are minuscule. insignificant. not that i am choosing to stop. but i am finding myself more and more depressed as i serve the very people i want to influence. filling wax filled partially recycled corporate labeled "disposable" coffee cups with skinny vanilla lattes. over-sized plastic cylinders with high fattening sugar-poisoned frappicinos with a smile and a "have a good day". they mumble a regurgitated "thanks" "you too". to which i wonder has any meaning in itself except for the idea that this automated response kind of slips out like a sneeze or cough. sure. i will assist you towards the journey of obesity. diabetes. "second shot for free"? more caffeine to prolong your addiction? up the energy to buy more corporate labeled highly processed groceries to which you will fill ten plastic bags to later throw away. i will help you to fill our landfills. sure i will ring up your fried chicken and cheese laden greasy pizza. "no coffee today?" you are sure missing out. little girls ordering "light" beverages. already fearing themselves. sorry your mother denied you the 400 calorie muffin. it will go straight to your thighs you know. no one wants fat little girls. hhhhm. my brain is being pulled in so many directions these days. i dont know what to say. what to write. i dont know how to react to myself. i just want to be a bird. and fly away. a butterfly in the grill of your SUV. thats what ill be. hosed off with the rest of the pests.

080808

im lost somewhere in between the need to be strong and the overwhelming haunt of emptiness. loneliness. there are people crawling everywhere. and yet. im moving in slow motion in a desolate field of dead urban dandelions. trampled by the steady stride of hollowed eyed gaping mouthed faces. these translucent beings are not here. in my decaying paradise. silent. brainwashed. the ghosts pretend not to see me. straight gazed. hard face. i am no one worth while. and they continue on their way. i continue to be intoxicated by the allure of the city. the beauty of people. the little joys that seep out of the most unlikely places...i have made it my daily goal to purposely trip in these holes. all i want is to drown in a puddle of honesty. a river of realization. of what this world has in store for me. and i fiercely shake my head and curse my eyes. fuck everything and everyone that i have fallen in love with. i had my world. and i miss it.

paperclip

what is this life. is it a movie? do you live it expecting a beginning. build up. climax. and conclusion? do you watch it with previous notions on what it will be like? you hear mixed reviews. see failures. see box office hits. do you hope your life will end like the beautiful love story? or more like the suspenseful action movie...end it all with big car crashes and courageous sacrifices....hm. most people watch like its their top priority. get the notes right. get the movie right. make it beautiful so those who gave you life can raise their heads high and be proud of such an accomplishment. or perhaps you are some awkward abstract indie film. you don't live by anyones rules but your own. but in doing so. you seek the attention and love of those looking for such stories. they strive toward the abstract. feed off your aura. you beautiful unique you. liquid movie. you fit right in between indie movie 1 and 3. little puttering rain cloud. rain on everyone else's parade. not quite environmentally friendly as you are. not quite unique as you are. this is your big show. life. and if people aren't in line with your rules they are playing this game wrong. are you hiding cards under the table? have some big secret that everyone else is unaware of? if you push and push and push....green and blue will reverse direction. righteous red has their big head too far up their holy asshole to see yellow making a bigger and more significant impact. sorry. go back to start. before we start judging the game. the movie. lets rewrite the rules. the screenplay. lets include those who have never seen it any other way. and those who refuse to change. this world is big enough for every piece. person. i want to change the world. i want you to want to change the world. i want you to live a life that [you] think is beautiful. a movie that you would watch. may make sense. or not. most importantly. that you are completely happy with the way in turns out. hm.

damnit

and this is how it starts.

the chemicals start circulating normally. and ashley's mind shuts off to let her hormones wreck havoc upon every thing she currently holds close. the sleepless nights are back. the sad tired eyes have returned. i remind her this is a phase. like before. this too shall pass. this too. ashley. save yourself from yourself.

your voice is lingering in these walls. and the sheets have held onto just enough to keep me thinking i will feel your arm around me as i drift off to sleep. but like the night before. there is a lack of warmth by my side. the walls are echoing but the sound is from my own voice. whispering to myself. telling myself that i am safe. sleep ashley.

part2

the nursing home made a few calls. she had been unwilling to get out of bed that morning. she was just too tired. and who to arrive at her side but [my own grandmother]. even though it was just a short drive for any of her immediate family. they probably knew what was coming and didn't want to take any time out of their busy schedules. she felt cold. even with a good friend by her side. talking a sweet simple conversation, she begins to feel her eyes close. this is the end.

my great aunt mable died about a month ago in her nursing home room. my grandmother was at her side. they said after she closed her eyes and right before she passed, her mouth was moving without sound. the nurses say that, this actually happens to a lot of patients right before they slip away. they said that they believe its either them greeting friends in heaven or them saying their last goodbyes to love ones.

my aunt flossy (the younger sister) died sometime in january the first death i have experienced really. since then, mable had been getting worse. i can only imagine. losing your sister. especially considering how close they were. and. and although my last blog on the subject was fairly fictitious as was the beginning of this one, she did wake up one night in the nursing home and couldn't sleep because she was afraid of dying. afraid of being alone and not being able to finish something she was writing about flossy.

i cant say if i believe in a heaven. but i like to believe in one for just the two of them. maybe they passed away and returned to the bodies they had when they were like...25. i guess they were pretty rambunctious back in the day. life of the party and all that fun stuff. maybe they are living it up.

when i have more time. im going to write about my thoughts on death. hm. this was just a note to myself.

burns

smoke twirls around this head and i have forgotten how to write. how to think. no. i remember how to think. responding is the problem. how does one respond to a mind that is convinced that this is a dream. living in a dream that will not make sense until it is finished. in the end. aren't we all just a little pawn in a magnificent game of chess. just playing. watching. making each move with too little or too much thought put into it. until. check. our hourglass is spilling the last few grains of rice. checkmate. we decay. our thoughtful minds are rotting. cells once alive with love happiness and inspiration are motionless and without hope.

i am so happy. so sad. so happy. happy.

destructive fingers upon every little imperfection. attempting a treatment that this mind has constructed. my blood is blue beneath my skin. a reminder that we are all a little lifeless inside. where is the soul? definitely not skin deep. not alongside the little bit of death we all harbor. i see it in your eyes. i feel it in your touch. these souls have touched me. these people have touched me. beneath the blue death. beneath these imperfections. i want to hold you all and keep you close. these people keep me warm. keep my spirit and passion living. even if a little bit of me is dead.

one. your words are focused and strong. no hesitation. i keep them next to my heart and near my brain. you keep me grounded. no pity was the best thing you could have done for me. one of the smartest people i know. you are going somewhere. even if you don't quite know where that is. yet. two. insecure but confident at the same time. you bear a passion that i could only dream of. and a pessimistic optimism that keeps me melancholy in the happiest sense of the word. i only want the best for you. don't settle for less. your heart will lead you to happiness. three. my twenty four hour help line. my life ring. the hope and strength you drilled into my head will never stray a few inches from my heart. my spirit. i have repeated your words to myself too many times to count. our friendship cannot be described or defined and i really wouldn't have it any other way. it will all click someday. for both of us. big things. remember? big things. four. both compromising and uncompromising. you know when to be there for people you care about but also realize that this is your life to live. you will never fail to pursue what you truly desire. with little regard to what others may think. i aspire to be half as brave as you. half as strong to do what i want without holding back to live a life others may have placed before me. five. my heart aches knowing you are beneath the same sky. but a little too far to share the feeling i get when looking up. it beats a little too fast thinking about your smile and a little too hard hearing your voice. you have reminded me to live. and continue to save me from myself without realizing it. you continue to remind me of the more important reasons to live. and give me hope that things will be beautiful someday. you are going to do amazing things. and hopefully i will be within arms distance.

doris

i am not sure what is perpetuating this off mood. a mix of irrational loneliness. school/work induced stress. and my on/off habit of attempting to eat/treat myself healthier. i feel so tired and sad. i mean. im pretty good at picking myself up momentarily. but overall i feel. down.

im pressing my hands on either side of my head. hard. maybe so hard that i could collapse my brain and find relief. hm. sometimes i wonder why i am not like some people. the ones that don't think much past what they are going to wear that day/when they will study/what events are occurring during the coming weekend. the ones with goals. marriage. career. success. why didn't i turn out like that. and just choose to worry about my immediate self and surroundings. instead. i sit here and stress about my consuming habits. not eating necessarily. but purchasing. and the money issue necessarily. but the support i am giving all of these questionable corporations. i think about people in far away countries. i think of them dieing and it makes me sad. i think of my great aunt alone in a nursing home and i feel sick. hm i lied. i do think about my future quite a bit. maybe too much. maybe i should just take life as it comes. i just worry that i wont make an impact. i want to do something. big.

i want so much to be happy. all the time. or most of the time. for him. all for him. because i know how much he loves to see me smile and hear that i have had a good day. hearing him smile is the best part of my day. thats all i get most of the time. a smile over the phone. and it gives me butterflies and makes me content.

i bought some daisies and planted them in pots. made me a little happier. ive been reading this anthology which is ten years of a zine called Doris. it reassures me that there are people that think similar to myself. my brain isn't as defective as once thought.

i have a final on monday and a paper due on wednesday. my plan was to work on them this afternoon. this did not get accomplished. i physically hurt everywhere. and i dont know why.

alone

they found the younger sister face down in her living room. cause of death: heart failure. she had been smoking her whole life--at ninety four, you would think she probably had lived a pretty fulfilling existence. caught off guard. the older sister glanced down at her knobby pale hands, she wondered what made it right for her younger sister to just fall asleep and not wake up. or in this case, just [give up] and collapse to the ground. she had felt absent minded lately, but had come to terms with it. her blue eyes turning gray and her skin clinging to every bone...that also seemed to be getting thinner and weaker with time. aging is a fact of life. she felt alright because she had her best friend--her sister at her side. the same week her mind started to stray. she left a casserole in her oven overnight and woke up to find the house full of smoke. no fire. but she dreaded the smell that would linger for weeks...and went back to sleep.

ten weeks later she awakes from restless sleep shaking--freezing. the nursing home her family had put her in kept the temperature at a so-called comfortable sixty eight degrees. a good four degrees cooler than she kept her own home. she felt incredibly anxious but realized that it was probably just her irrational mind. anxiety had taken over since her family found her unfit to live on her own anymore. she slowly felt herself drifting away. but she knew that she had so much more to accomplish in this world. she had wanted to write. write a memoir of her sister--her best friend. so tired. this world wasn't beautiful anymore. it was four walls of white and the nice nurse that checked in every couple hours. a television replaced the wildflowers that she handpicked in her neighborhood every week. she just wanted flowers, but her caregivers couldn't allow it--they would irritate other patients. just flowers.

she was allowed to take short walks as long as someone went with her. first they take away her home. then her flowers. now. personal freedom was limited. but when she wasn't walking anywhere, they left her in solitude. with only her thoughts to console her. or rather--to cause her to be even more distant from herself.

every night she climbed into bed with a knot in her stomach. terrified that she would slip away during the night and no one would know. alone and cold she realized. it would all end.

[hhm. inspired by true events. fuck]

just empty words

ready go. my body found the floor last night. dizzy spells and sad thoughts. i collapse into a mess upon the carpet. it has been an instinctual thing since i was little. sick? sad? upset? i find comfort in the uncomfortable solidness. i would be lying if i said i haven't been thinking about the situation we could both allow ourselves to fall into. these are the happiest times of my life. also the most confusing. there is a knot in my throat where you sit. relationships are about interactions. interactions spawn growth and love. i am terrified of losing everyone important to me. perhaps i am being over dramatic. distance does not weaken friendships. it just changes them. pretty soon it will be the casual [heyyyyy its so good to see you but i have no idea who you are anymore.] it is my nature to be naturally independent. or in other words. a loner. so how do i solve this problem. i move further away from the few people i am able to open up to. to close myself up even more. i am living for everything and nothing.

the nihilist inside is also clawing at the the back of my neck every so often. i hate her. she doesn't realize how happy i am. how great i could make my life if i let myself. im reading [the corporation] [also a documentary]. its amazing and makes me think about the ashley-consumer more than ever. i am disgusted with myself and society. but besides boycotting the world. what will my angst towards these ideas fix. not much. so i sit here sipping on my huge aquafina. bottled water. a joke in itself. i will continue to work my whorish super-corporate-monster job. until i can find a suitable more agreeable alternative. i will watch the economy destroy itself and watch the world rape mother nature and kill itself. i will sit frustrated in that i have no idea where to start and no energy to pursue the cure to devastation. i am like the billions of other people in this world. attempting to figure life out and live it to reach some comfortable end. one step at a time. i want more than that. i want so much more than living to find death.

this bad mood will pass. hopefully. there is nothing i want more than to be content. i don't even have to be happy. just help me find a middle ground where i can remain between the annoying state of extreme happiness and the never-ending pull of the burnside bridge.im not a suicide risk. just a seeker of opportunity and peace.

veins

i am ninety years old. deep lines hiding what used to be a glow. sad eyes and gray lifeless hair. lifeless like this body. with skin almost translucent hanging off fragile arms. where has time lead me. time has lead me into a distant reality. where i have lost everyone who was important to me. this world has become detached and ugly. the continued neglect by its inhabitants has left it desolate. disgusting. a place that some had predicted. but only a few believed would come to be.

she wants out. she wanted out seventy years ago.

too hot

"her fever is down" is she responding to the medication? "no."

i am four years old. wispy dark hair loose on my small shoulders. an innocent mind and bright eyes. i have nothing to worry about. nothing at all. i am oblivious to this world. and the world is oblivious to me. but that does not matter. because all i know is my mom. all i know is my dad and my sister. my dog. my small collection of play-things. and the house we live in. built by my fathers hands. i knew that. i knew little pain. shallow sadness. i knew nothing of this place.

i am twenty years old. same messy dark hair. now. innocent eyes. and a fairly bright mind. this brain is plagued. this world is plagued.

falling over

missed you

forgetme

entirely frustrated with who i am right now. i go to bed each night taking a vow to better myself the next day. with the sun comes-a new ashley. one who sees her reality for what it is. no. my reality continues to twist and contort to reflect whatever it is this mind wants. perhaps i need to start ignoring the mind. and listening to the heart. its funny that for once. i trust it more than anything right now. it knows how things are. im guessing it is just forgetting to tell the rest of me.

because you matter in this individuals life

im waking before the sun to prove to this face that i too can become someone that is unrecognizable in the mirror. oh her? she got hit by a bus. im spending eight dollars to throw up. im emptying my bank account to indulge in temporary euphoria and buy my dentist a hummer. im playing make believe pretending your hand is in mine and we are somewhere beautiful where we love ourselves and each other. this reality is only what i see. only what i hear. only the thoughts in my head and no one else's. is this selfish or the truth. is there a reality outside that of what i am aware of. even if there is. is it relevant? i will sit and watch the ferris wheel all day and pretend you and i are side by side. playing this circle like it will be the last activity that we experience together. we are playing the game. ill show you mine if you show me yours. ill jump only if your fingers are tight around mine. ill jump only if you agree to love me up the moment we escape this conjoined reality. the professor keeps babbling on about something. his voice is dulled by my ears. he is attempting to explain something about morality. one ear out the other. does this tell me something about my role as a student. that i am a horrible one. that my time could be better spent doing something else. maybe? maybe not.

hands

i cannot answer why you make the most sense. it is just the way it works. its just the way this mind works. it is scattered and crazy. but in your hands it feels together and content. everything is clear and brilliant. i dont want to lose these hands. dont jump. without me. you make the most sense. and it means everything right now. little makes sense. but your hands make everything clear. i am hearing fallacies from glaring eyes. but your eyes speak only truth. and your hands speak only love. your hands in mine. makes the most sense.

soc 200 assignment 4: socialization and identity

an essay i wrote today for my intro to soc class. i think i talk myself in circles. oh well.

I find it very difficult to grasp the idea that whatever “self” I have come to known, has been the product of my environment and interactions with others. I would like to think that I have better control—more power over myself and what I am to become. But even if I had more power, would the presence of various agents of socialization continue to sway me towards the ideas and suggestions of these agents? Is there really no non-conformist, unique, self-made path to finding and creating the self? Not conforming is adhering to the standards of the anti-norm, and joining the million others part of the nihilist army. I guess there really is no way to win the war between society and the formation of the self.

The looking glass self says that we often look at ourselves as though looking in a mirror—attempting to see ourselves as society does. We then create standards that we believe society wants of us, and make the conscious decision to either conform or deviate from these expectations. I believe the media has one of the strongest chokeholds on individuals attempting to define themselves. A lot of who we become is influenced through family, peers, and friends—but who influences these people? Television, advertisements, magazines, books and others have all been mediums for the presentation of what society is expecting, what defines the American society, and what exactly you must do to achieve these expectations. I know I am caught in a constant conflict between what society [the media] is defining as successful and what I personally believe to be the definition of success. I am finding that most sources create an idea that after graduating high school, the [successful] person will continue to college, find their soul-mate, get married, buy a larger-than-needed house to hold their 2.5 kids and dog, work a “normal” Monday-thru-Friday nine-to-five job, eventually sending their kids off to college, all while still continuing to wonder where the time went, then retiring and dying at some ripe age. Besides the media telling me this is what I “should” want, it is very evident that my friends/peers/and family all had a say in it too. Upon graduating high school, I had my peers all questioning where I was going to school afterwards, to which I had a definite answer that was the product of my father’s expectations of me. Did I really know what I wanted to do with my life? No, but my dad had me convinced that a degree in chemistry could get me anywhere—get me that high paying job to afford my 4.5 bedroom house with 5 acre yard in a safe suburban neighborhood. I followed suit to later realize that if I am to continue to define my life based on other’s expectations; I am going to miss things that I truly want to experience and grow from. In conclusion, I dropped that major and am continuing to look for my niche as far as education goes.

Pondering the idea of the looking-glass-self, I am thinking that I embody the slightly-more-confused-than-most college student. I realize there are millions of us, all attempting decide what we are passionate about—and what we should “do” with our lives. I see me, and believe that society kind of wants me to decide—because “success” isn’t going to be obtained by those wandering this world with no direction. This is where I battle. Between what I believe my personal successes will arise from, and what I know to be success in the eyes of my family, friends, and peers. I also continue to ask WHY I care about their concerns with my future. Perhaps it is the glaring threat of being ostracized from my comfortable social circles that have defined my life thus far. So, I can’t deny the slight influence of this support network. The “me” has convinced me to stay in school, taking classes part-time and attempting at finding my niche inside and outside of my education, but I am happy to say that the “I” has helped me remain comfortable in my own thoughts. I am continuing to realize that I can create my own path and question whatever expectations that the media, family, friends, and peers have of me. This idea makes me optimistic for my future endeavors as a wandering-learning-forever-growing and evolving individual.

"This is hard As the Readings Going to Get"

stop pulling my hairs from between your teeth. it's hurting my feelers [feelings].

my mind is riddled with some form of ADD. i swear. even when i am in the most intense situations, i find that my mind is wandering to less important thoughts. ideas. i guess they have some sort of importance, for my mind is deciding to think about them instead of the matter at hand. but my mind also realizes that the present is far more crucial for future endeavors. school for example. i can sit through my whole ethics class. somewhat interested. but also itching to leave the whole time. itching for when the clock says 6:30. this distracts me. of course, i have no plans tonight. probably just ride home and relax. what exactly am i anxious to do? no idea. anxious to not be in class i guess. even though i know that whatever it is that the professor is babbling on about is way more important. for my future as a college graduate anyway.

i keep thinking about the rain. and how clean it makes everything feel. the air smells so good. the rain will bring flowers. i need the flowers right now. i need the rain to somehow leech into my skin and germinate whatever flowers have embedded themselves within my epidermis. please.

i really want coffee. i've gone five days without. i was reading an article concerning addictions and whatnot. it was mostly talking about food and dieting. and how if you eliminate something from your life. your brain desires it even more. so. moderation is key. strict moderation. so. im making myself a deal. i will be anti-coffee all week. and after work on satuuurday. i will treat myself to a small latte. hmhmhmhmhmhm. yeah. sounds good. once a week latte doesn't sound too hard. right. yes.

i had a dream that my mom's boyfriend impregnated me with aliens that looked like sea anemones with umbilical cords. i was pissed.

dandelions

so if you are lost. and not attempting at becoming found. you aren't exactly lost are you. for in the state of being lost. there lies a hope of being found. of being discovered. of finding what is missing. so. emotionally lost. mentally lost. if i am not willing to find myself. am i really lost. or just being unbelievably stubborn at remaining in a discontent frame of mind. has this become my comfortable state. if there is something that is a little bit [off], then we have something to worry about. we have something to obsess over. did i allow myself to become so content. so happy. that the optimistic cloud-nine kind of environment created its own discontent-ness based on the fact that i wasn't able to create a uncomfortable bubble where pissed off angst-ridden ashley could have something to complain about. something to cry about to those who choose to lurk such internet sob story breeding grounds such as this.


this reflection
is manipulated by what.
fucking calvin klein
[snap her hip bones with your own]
who is to define beauty
as what you fail to present
to the rest of us.
you are beautiful
and i will define this
as every flaw and imperfection
that they disapprove of.
i will say that this is
what makes you the most
beautiful thing i have ever
come to know.
i couldn't imagine you as
anything but what
you are. who you are.
and what you have come to stand for.


i write that. but all through my mind i hear:

"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else." -fight club

lovely. my soc class is getting to my head. for better or for worse. i haven't decided.

peppermint mylk

am i confident saying that i can resist the temptation of coffee. or am i confident in the sense that i can say these things. physically release them from my mouth just to have me trip and fall in the muddy hole that is addiction.

ordered a steamer today. hey. its in the right direction. i cannot help feel a little guilty. three dollars for steamed soy milk is ridiculous but seems like a small price to pay for warm goodness at the time. there is a dull thud in my skull trying to tell me that my body is without its desired substance. hm. i will figure it out. im going to. the first day without was harder. i feel good about it today. i feel like im attempting to drop a heroin addiction. it really shouldn't be this dramatic/hard. ah well.

so. here we. go. what is the "better" thing to do. do we attempt to make the world a happier place for everyone else without proper attention to our own needs/desires/happiness. or do we selfishly only look after ourselves and people directly linked to the promise of our own content-ness. is it selfish to do good deeds based on the fact that you are doing them only to prove to yourself [other others] that you are a self-less, angelic, morally-perfect individual. are you only helping animals/humankind for the sole purpose of feeling better about yourself in the long run. are you hoping for some big pay-off in the end for being a more ethical human...compared to your fellow humans. or do you pursue the creation of happiness and alleviation of pain in others with the genuine purpose of making a more beautiful world for [those who aren't you] or people you are socially networked to. i would hope that most people participate in compassionate acts based on the fact that they sincerely care about these plagues and diseases that are destroying the earth and its people. but there will always be the people looking to be redeemed. in the eyes of their family. their peers. the state. redeemed through acts of kindness. balancing out their own karma. i am not saying this is a bad thing. but just kind of pacing around the question of people's genuine intentions. and whether it matters. it probably matters very little, except in the eyes of others whom are pursuing the greater good of their society and its inhabitants without a single thought concerning themselves and their own lives. those who see straight through the people who are meaning well only to relieve guilt or boost their moral popularity (or whatever you want to call it). perhaps those who are genuine in the pursuit could care less about the intentions of others. maybe it is more important to spend that energy towards their original goal. to alleviate pain and injustices. keep working towards the goal. not concerning themselves in the motives of other's alleviation of the same pains/injustices.

i dont really believe in a heaven. or an afterlife where we have to prove ourselves to be accepted into. but if i did. i would wonder if the "higher being" would be able to decipher genuine intentions from those that are result of guilt/an attempt at redemption or if the "higher being" would care. should they care? are good deeds that are an attempt at moral-popularity still good deeds? they will benefit those who they are enacted upon, but they were created solely to better the happiness/fix the karma of whoever decided they needed a moral boost.

i want to write more about this later. maybe rewrite it. ill leave it like this for now.

a phone call to god

hey its me. no i dont believe this is normal either. i haven't decided whether the world is dead to me or not. i woke up this morning with a deathwish on my chest. she told me that the world is dieing. so what is it worth to stick around. today. tomorrow. aren't we all walking a path towards the same destruction. the same fate. to eventually grow withered and grey. dark circles where brilliant sparkles used to dance upon our cheeks. your hair was darker then. maybe it was just because it was night and the moon had yet to show its face. then again. what if it decided to leave this universe for another. another with a brighter future. are we all but insignificant in the eyes of the moon. he could really care less for each of us. and our little dark pessimistic hearts. i cant decide whether there really is a person out there. with a genuine sense of self. a genuine hope for what will become. i seriously doubt there are minds so pure. without a single dark thought. ever?

what are we striving for. as a collective whole? should there be a common goal as a society? maybe not. is it every person for themselves? if i had the answers to all my questions...would i become bored? would my mind explode with information? im so tired.

ive decided there is only one thing that makes sense right now. my friendships. these people are my family. and i've decided that they are going to be plagued with my presence for as long as I decide to stick around this dark hearted world. i havent decided how to break the news to them. sorry guys. you are stuck with ashley forever.

i have a tight knot in my stomach. a shortness of breath within my chest. i cannot decide whether my eyes want to swell or shut.

a sense of self

what a peculiar sensation. they sit you down. shove a needle into your arm and the little machine spends about an hour sucking blood out and putting it back in. i have to say. didnt too much like the [putting back in] part. it made me cold. and feel weird. actually. the whole process is a tad weird. after six hours at the center I walked away with $40 cash. all spent on groceries later that night. hm hm hm. money is a joke. selling body fluids is more of a joke.

i cant decide which is more absurd. my addiction to caffeine/lattes. or the idea that our culture puts a taboo on becoming addicted to any substance. maybe thats what makes me want to stop the habit. what makes it wrong to be physically dependent on a substance? the fact that it empties our bank accounts/wrecks our bodies/possibly creates relationship problems? aren't we all aware of these complications? i am. i don't think my little coffee addiction has caused any problems to relationships. but i definitely feel the bodily side effects as well as the noticeable dip in my monetary possessions. is this enough to cause me to cease? this? or maybe the fact that the whole coffee industry is saturated with exploitation, oppression, and destruction?

am i a walking contradiction. standing against animal cruelty. animal exploitation. what is a human but another animal. isn't that what i attempt to advocate the most. the idea that humans are just another species that inhabit the earth. that they too--should be able to live in a world that makes sense to them. without fear of pain/injustice/oppression. i guess one can only boycott so much before she becomes a nihilistic non-functioning piece of crap...er. part of society.

what makes it alright/not all right for one to live a life that makes best sense to them? is it not alright as soon as everyday comforts and normalities (such as food/clothing/COFFEE) cross the line that separates what is ethically acceptable and what is cruel/inhumane. of course. who decided that the murder of another individual is wrong? is this not the "survival of the fittest"? yes. it is. has survival been given a new definition? is survival now the idea of success in our world? surviving high school and moving towards secondary education. surviving that and moving "up" in the world. to a full-time/with benefits career that helps one reproduce/raise a family/and retire comfortably to live the rest of their lives in bliss and relaxation. is this survival. are those who are dying actually just slipping below the radar. those living at or under the poverty line? is death the idea that ones life has no meaning/no importance? are the people who slip behind in school/work/life dying a slow unimportant death? i suppose this will go back to the idea that who decided that some individuals have the right to live while others deserve to die?? what defines an individual? a conscious? a sense of self? it it our responsibility to pick these dying individuals up? to better their lives? (so they might just use up the resources to rise and fall back under the radar?)



im going to go back to the question of what is ethically right or wrong? my questioning of this subject is probably the appearance of the idea in both of my classes this quarter. im continuing to be caught up in the idea that this universe is only so old. that ideas that people have considered over the years have evolved and advanced with changing opinions and beliefs. many of these beliefs were probably the spawn of religion, overwhelming influential leaders, and other factors that many fall accustomed/slave to. again. who says what anyone should or should not think. if people choose not to think for themselves, I guess that is their own problem. er. choice. i feel extremely lucky to live in a country where i am able to think what i want. write what i want. believe and act (to an extent) how I want. why are there still many countries without this freedom. are these countries not "civilized" for not allowing their citizens basic rights. what are these basic rights that we should--as humans--have access to? to live free of pain/exploitation? to live being able to speak up against supposed injustices? to live being able to say/dress/believe what we want?

I am a freaking hurricane of thought today. and not really able to write coherently or in a straight line. they took all my plasma out. and i feel somewhat enlightened. i feel a need to understand this world. and the people that inhabit it. i feel that truth is relative. a personal journey that we all should be able to experience in a way the best makes sense to us. is this way of thinking closed minded? is anyone really "open-minded" enough to accept all forms of thought and thinking? is such a concept fathomable? my mind is open in that I accept and enjoy hearing others take on the world. i want to hear what you live for. what are you about. but am i closed minded in the sense that my set of morals beliefs and opinions are set as of this second. right now. this instant in my head. or [are they set?] i am an indecisive flaky speck upon this earth. i guess i can't say i am 100% in anything i believe. maybe 100% sure that I will never be 100% sure. and i am completely ok with that. maybe this is the idea of an "open mind". that i am open to learning and changing my thought process and opinions based on what i learn and believe is true/what is right/what is wrong/what matters or doesn't matter. as i move forward in time.

this is lengthly and wordy. i dont blame you for not reading it all. i am indecisive piece of shit. whose mind is a freaking war zone right now. we have irrational impulsive crazy ashley attacking level-headed forward-thinking sane ashley. i want them to get along. i think that makes best sense for me.

i am extrememly happy right now. despite all of the harsh unsupportive words. maybe the answers will come to me overnight.

time away

so happy. happy. i feel that this is worth every bit of trouble. right? ah. in the back of my mind. i am pondering the backlash. the potential loss of friendships and the judgments of those not getting it. but really. do i get it? do i understand why my brain is suddenly filled with too-strong-to-even-begin-to-explain thoughts. i am told that it is temporary. the hormones and chemicals saturating my brain have put me in a reality of intense happiness and infatuation. is what i am feeling actually the product of a few sweet words. or an actual longing and love for someone who has only recently come into my life.

"i love you, and I dont even know you." a little boy wanted to keep me forever at scotts. but i had to walk out the door, probably out of his life forever. of course, he was four. he probably forgot about me within the next 15 minutes.

i am not quite sure if i want to walk out of this forever. or pretend that the feelings are fake/temporary/irrational. i want to believe with all of my heart that this is genuine. that i am feeling something that could grow and become something beautiful. that somehow it could work. i keep hearing that relationships like this are really hard and don't work out 99% of the time. and when they do fall apart. the network of friends behind the relationship could possibly disintegrate as well. i need that network. they are all i have. and i love them.




i had a nasty bout with the evil hands today. the ones that like to keep my legs wrapped around the cold porcelain demon. perhaps i need to figure that out before i attempt to figure out any relationship. my stomach hurts really bad. its not good to tease your digestive organs. only ends up getting upset and yelling at you for being super lame and irrational. i need a better relationship with what i consume. hm

i do not want to cashier for eight hours tomorrow. i have fri sat sun off. i kind of want to go home. but really dont want to drive. my car is falling apart. and i have a feeling that my mom wants a break from me.

happy

afraid of ruining everything. i really don't want to be THAT girl.

dont want to work today. eight hours of cashiering. the thought makes me want to shove forks into my eyes. i am continuing to look for another job. fuck target.

besides all that. im really happy. happy. happy. happy.

i am very much content in this situation. not at all. i feel like im walking on glass. one wrong move and the world will explode. i have to be careful what i say. how i act. i hate being [not allowed] to express feelings. let me just bottle them up and forget. yeahaetlfdsf;dslfksd

i made apple muffins at my moms house. i will probably go back to portland in a couple days. might as well hang out. the grandparents are here....yeah.....

bros before hos

foolish of me to let these thoughts even enter my mind. even worse that i voiced them. voiced. some of them. the rest will stay within the deepest part of my skull until i am dead and rotting. i guess only the worms will know then. i am good at harboring feelings. not letting anyone realize whats going on. but it seems that in the past few weeks, i have found more confidence in myself to confide in others. and where does it lead me. into an ugly state of mind. where i feel like [just another girl]. with an irrational infatuation. being sucked dry by a parasite diseased with inadequacy. that sounds very angsty-teenager of me. whatever. i want to punch myself in the gut for thinking that it would be a good idea to let these feelings materialize. and now. i get to pretend they dont exist. i guess its back to square one.

so much for sunday

slept most of the day. but. for the first time in a while, i somewhat remember what i dreamnt about. it involved maura davis and fancy bottled water. i was also being molested by an unknown stranger who wouldnt respond to the words stop or no. part of the dream also took place at a hotel. where i was in my red and khaki for work...but had put my shirt on wrong. and suddenly was totally naked. everyone was laughing at me. i find it extremely weird. i havent really had an embarrassment dream in a while. i think my dads mother was there too. i think she fell off a balcony. anyway. so weird things. im guessing it is the spawn of strange happenings and the little bit of stress that doesn't seem to want to go away.

im still extremely tired and dont really know why. well. im guessing its withdrawal symptoms from no caffeine today. which makes me sad that i actually got to that point.

i need to get out and ride.

today.

its raining. i can hear it sprinkling on the trash cans outside my window. how romantic right? open my blinds and there are 3 trash bins and a recycling bin. its lovely. i like the rain. i kind of want to walk in it. but...my umbrella is shit and im without any other rain gear. so whatever. im going to sit in my room and listen to it make music on the garbage cans. like....that one performing group that did all the dancing and banging on pipes and garbage cans...stomp something right? amazing.

this is going to sound cliche as fuck....but. love is a joke. really. i dont know how my heart falls into these weird feelings where i am falling for something that isnt there. that i crave someone that has never and will never be there. my hope is still alive somewhere in my brain, but then there is reality that tells me what is actually going on and what will never be. i fucking just want to tell them. get it over with. i think it would relieve whatever stupid tension that is stuck in my brain. but probably would compromise our friendship...make it awkward maybe. i dont know.

i want my emotions and hormones to stop fucking with my perception of my body. the end.

It rained today. I still rode though. The more I make myself go, the more I enjoy it. It makes me feel kind of invincible and happy. I probably should stay off the busier streets, but I actually find it more fun to be riding right next to cars. Pushing my comfort limits to the edge. Or maybe I want to get hit by a car. Fuck up my face a little. Er. Hmm.

i thought i had more to say. guess not.

toxic

im not quite sure why i let myself turn into a pile of virgin toxicity. pretty much made myself look like an ass while also realizing what i was doing to my body. it is amazing. drugs are amazing and ridiculous. waste of time. and when i say drugs. i mean caffeine. alcohol. and cigarettes. i guess it may have been good for me to experience it once. so i know why i choose a life of sobriety. but. i cant help but feel painful regret in choking down five or six cigarettes. probably the nastiest thing you could ever do to yourself. i think im going to somewhat fast for three days. hopefully detoxify my body of the havoc i made it endure last night. fuck.

also in the alter reality. im pretty sure i said a few things that im going to later regret. when does that not happen. i sound really cliche right now. fuck. im not quite sure who heard them. but. damn. besides the few random regretful statements. the only thing semi-good that came out of this was the experience i had talking to some people. its amazing how social one can get with the right substances in their bloodstream. i am hoping most of it was psychological. that i knew i wasn't right in the head. so i had an excuse for being outgoing and whatnot. i want to somehow trick my brain into thinking that yes ashley. you can talk to people with confidence just being yourself with your own head. it will be a work in progress i suppose.

i rode home last night. it is so much colder here than portland. the wind seemed to bite my face and pull my mind from my body. if that makes sense. i felt kind of detached. maybe it was because of my slow sobering that messed up my emotions. i came home and cried until i fell asleep. upset at what i did. feeling extremely self conscious and regretting my self destructive habits that for whatever reason. decided to shove their little demon hands down my throat after dinner with my mom. its funny how you think you are done with something. you feel that you healed and are progressing towards something beautiful and strong. just to later find yourself face down in a kaleidescope of what used to be tofu stir fry.

i think i am staying until tomorrow. i want some loose peppermint tea. so i dont have to spend $2 on it down the block. need to....see my father. vacuum my car. hhhm. i only got three hours of sleep and it will probably hit me hard in the face later today.

normal

in the last year or so, i have found whenever i am anxious or nervous my hands somehow find their way to my face. with my face being broken out lately...i've found myself picking at my face. which is a horrible habit. it not only puts more dirt/oil/whatever on your skin, it prevents healing. one thing im not looking forward to. having freaking nasty scarred up skin when im older. i've found that I have been getting way more nervous recently. not sure if it is the company or just my general insecurities.

i straight out asked ben today if i was overly awkward. of course he had a long wordy answer concerning how he believes my brain acts in certain situations. im sure he was just trying to make me feel better. but i cant help but feel further insecure. i've talked about this before. but. it has been going through my head more and more as i continue to interact with people. ben says its obvious my mind is going a million miles a minute in these situations. that i just need to learn to relax and not think so much. haven't i been saying this to myself for the past few YEARS?

why do i worry so much about what people think. is it because i feel that i've always kind of been in a gray-area with people. like. im not loveable, but im not really disliked. im like oatmeal. plain. liked by most people, but also not a favorite breakfast food--like pancakes or waffles. bad analogy.

i want this to be like a movie. where i have this really deep realization that i too can be normal and fun--and then the movie fades to night and later i am portrayed as a confidant, witty, fun-to-be-around individual. but really. would this be myself. i don't want to have to change for anyone. but really. i just feel like i still put on a fake-ish ashley at certain times. not like target-ashley. but. a hesitant. attempt at being normal. normal is a joke though.

im kind of talking in circles. i wish i could get over whatever mind block i have and just be. fuck. i just want to throw something against a wall.

kill us all

today. signed my life away. got a couple blue polos to prove it.

"pimples are the lords way of chastising you."

made for TV "Carrie" is horrible. but that line made me smile. GOD MUST WANT ME TO STAY PURE FOREVER. ahhhh. but seriously. my face has been nasty lately. maybe its sugar or caffeine. im not sure.

lucas visited me this weekend. it was really nice to see a familiar face and catch up with tri cities news. its also funny how I am actually able to act like myself when I am around comfortable company. so. yeah. took luke to powells and blossoming lotus. im glad they are coming down sometime in march. i really want to see the whole gang. they keep me normal and happy.

i wish i could bring boo to portland. i miss him a lot. and psycho.

time

my stomach hurts. anxiety is getting to me. i think its a mix from work-school-social issues. which is basically. everything.

today i have orientation for PSU at 1ish. im going to attempt to bike there. but im kind of nervous. monday drivers...busy roads. hm. it should last until around 5....right at rush hour...great. we will see.

target was suppose to call me today...regarding my old position at their store. fuck. i dont want to work there. or best buy. blacksheep bakery posted an ad on craigslist this morning. so i responded to that...probably wont get a response. but i can hope. that i will be getting a job that isnt target or bestbuy.

hung out with some awesome people this weekend. and ive never before felt more awkward. weird. out of place as the last few days. its weird. working at target for 7 months, i felt like i was slowly becoming more outgoing and better at talking to people. but then i look back and realize im seriously...really quiet and odd. ive watched both science of sleep and amelie in the last few days and realize that my life parallels both of those movies. in amelie, you have the main character who is really quiet, reserved--but she has a mystical quality that eventually connects with another person who is similar. im not saying i have some inner special attractive quality, but sometimes i hope that is the case. in science of sleep, the main character cant really differentiate his reality from his dreams. i have to say. the last couple years. i have felt that sometimes i set up this alter reality to temporary place myself into. its more a frame of mind where everything is 'right', where i feel comfortable and happy.

i dont know. guess im just getting kind of down. with the copious amount of time i have to sit and think about these things. hmhmhmhmhm

eyes

i feel sick. just ate some cakey baked thing from sweetpea and a coffee. i need to stop. especially the coffee business. way too expensive. since its saturday. end of the week. i guess i will make it a goal starting tomorrow. i also want to start biking more. driving less. as soon as i can get a discounted tri-met pass from PSU, im definitely using the public transit for all of my commuting. hhmhmhm

biked around today. i dont know why i had such a hesitation before. it feels really good. im way out of shape. but hopefully it will get better. i feel oddly more comfortable biking at night rather than the day. less people on the roads or something...i dunno.

abandon hope all who enter here.

i would be pleasantly surprised if you are reading this. actually i wouldn't be surprised at all. i think you play the dumb card when it comes to internet lurking. because i know i do. i feel we are one in the same sometimes. except you are much more mysterious leaving no trace or clue. i like to leave little hints for the people who are smart enough to look. such as yourself. thinking of you. i hope thats not creepy. i guess ive come to the conclusion that as much as i admire you. perhaps that is all it will ever be. an infatuation with what could be "us". a craving of your hand in mine that will never be fulfilled. its ok. i think i have come to terms and will live with your eyes just behind my eyelids.

awkward

denali will always be my safe net.

last night i hung out with some friends that i originally met in spokane...that are now living in portland. i was actually invited to this portland guys bday party ish thing, but i met him through my spokane friends. i love meeting new people. hearing what they have to say and kind of learning their take on life. my only regret is not being able to be myself right off the bat. i guess everyone feels a little reserved from time to time. but i feel downright awkward MOST of the time around new people. worst part...i constantly beat myself up on the inside the whole night for not acting 'normal'. these are the times when i wish i was more like curtis....or some other really outgoing people i know and admire. i guess its just a learning thing. learning to accept that maybe thats how it will always be. until i warm up to people. they get the quiet awkward ashley girl.

my mom came into vancouver last night with a few things that i forgot from home. including a printer. which im pumped for. no more driving in circles looking for the kinkos closest to my house to print off resumes. i will be looking for a different job in the next few days. my goal is to possibly get an interview anywhere else before wednesday...before best buy will supposedly call me.

i dont know why this whole bestbuy/target thing is stressing me out. i should be content getting any job. maybe feel lucky that i dont have to wash dishes at some grimy steakhouse. it could be way worse im sure.

bitter sweet

friday.
any other friday with no work and i would be hanging with people. its kind of bummer when you have no one to really hang with. all of my friends are in spokane. if i left now...i wouldnt make it there in time. nah. maybe i would be just a little late. perhaps that wouldnt be so bad. but really. i have no money to be carelessly traveling.

got offered the blasted best buy job. went and peed in a cup to prove im not a junkie today. hhm. also. got a call from target. I GUESS their HR team member is leaving soon. so. there is a possibility of getting my old job back. the question is. do i really want to take the eye-straining/bland as hell/desk job back. i have the uniform for target. i know how to do the job. ahhh. or will i take the best buy job. its a job merchandising. basically- setting product on the floor according to corporate plan-o-grams. personally. i rather not take either of the retail jobs. i would really LOVE to get out of retail. but what can you do. so the next question is. what job would i feel less guilty leaving. luke would get mad at me knowing that i feel guilt at leaving some company like target. but...it just happens. i guess i would feel more guilty leaving target for a second time. and if i did get my old job back, i would have to train a replacement. (like I did before. stressful in itself...for sure.) dont know. the target is closer to home. blah.

also. trying to get my school shit organized. hopefully i will be attending an orientation on monday to learn more about the school and being a transfer student. i was happy to find out that i have all the pre-reqs for a BS in science. now all i need are the classes for the major itself. so, no more filler classes needed. just specialized classes. for a major that i am not yet decided on. GREAT. ive decided im really pumped to hear shai hulud play with earth crisis. they are good. hm hm.

i was invited to a potluck tonight with a bunch of people i do not know. kind of nervous. dont know what to bring. i will probably end up not bringing anything. i just wont eat. thats fair right?

i also just found out there is an indoor pool like....200 feet from my apt. for about $3 I can go swim laps in a 20 yard pool...haha....i could flip at the wall and coast to the other end. i guess i will try it out and see.


do you realize how i feel? do you. do you. do you realize that your name rolls off my tongue every now and again. i am alone with no one to hear. but the taste brings me a small happiness like you are actually here and listening.

one week

so. today hits the one week mark. been in portland for onnnnne whole week. it feels both longer and shorter depending on my mood. right now. i dont really feel level headed.

i did get my acceptance letter today from PSU...so...no more stressing about whether i will be taking classes this spring...now, just to decide what i will take. what classes to take towards what freaking degree. i still have to wait on them to evaluate my cbc credits....but yeah. guess i should decide here pretty quick.

applied at a pet kennel. they groom and take care of cats/dogs....hm. i felt semi-good about it, because i actually got to hand the application to someone who talked to me a bit. i hope she calls early tomorrow. because....also got my first call back since ive been here...applying to every little craigslist job and online application i can. the job is at BESTBUY. AH. WHY CANT I ESCAPE CORPORATE RETAIL? the best buy is also out by the airport...a good 10 miles away....ben says the max goes straight there...so that might be an option....I really dont know what to do. I can half-ass the interview in hopes that I will get another call back sometime this week or put everything i got into it to possibly and probably get some lame job wearing a blue shirt and khakis. part of me wants the security that comes with having a job, but part of me wants to wait to find a job with a company i feel better about supporting. i dont know. I guess I could get this best buy job and continue to look for a more legit job....because i really wouldnt feel bad about leaving a big retail chain again. crazy turn over.

i just made a really good stirfry....but ate too much. i think my stomach has shrunk a bit...because i have had a bad habit of not eating regular meals....just eating when i feel hungry...which hasn't been often. because of job-stress and lack of social contact. i see so many interesting people around. but i feel so awkward and out of place that I cant make myself go say hello.

i have felt really homesick the last couple days too. not really missing my house. but missing the company i have come to expect on a daily basis. hopefully things will get better when i get a job...and get back in school.

my bike! i got around to taking it to a bike shop close to my house. but decided i probably have an inner ear problem along the way. maybe its the bike....not quite used to it yet. im kind of all over the place when i ride...and tip over really easy. balance issues perhaps.

my stomach really hurts and i cant stop thinking about someone.

ribbons

The week has started once again. I was hoping all the potential employers I have sent resumes to in the last few days would fill my voice mail box with lovely messages concerning interviews and such. Too bad I didn't get any calls today. I ended up going back to the Target close to my house and filling another application out. I think I will end up calling them tomorrow to talk to their temp HR or something. I just want something to do during the day. A little money coming in. I even went so far as to go to the Target in Clakamas....way far away. They weren't hiring either. blah. I really hate to go back to working some lame retail job, but when you have actual expenses to take care of...freaks me the hell out. I've applied at all the surrounding fred meyers. the local best buy. safeway. FREAKING NASTY PLACES. I've also sent my resume with cover letter to multiple ads on craigslist for office/receptionist jobs. I guess its a waiting game/luck.

Tomorrow...I think i will hit up a pet-sitting company that had an ad on craigslist...trader joes...and maybe some other new season markets around the area. work work work.

its one in the am and i am not tired. i need to sleep...but. dont want to waste time better spent...doing online applications. hahaha. everything needs to be free and shared. i think the world would be happier.

scattered

Is it love or lust when you constantly yearn for someones company. Nothing more than to be sitting in the same room, taking in the same air. Maybe a glance. What is it called where you crave someones eyes meeting yours, their slight smile at your conversation, their voice directed towards your ears. I don't know...but I have experienced this feeling far before the move to Portland and I don't really know how to handle it.