soc 200 assignment 4: socialization and identity

an essay i wrote today for my intro to soc class. i think i talk myself in circles. oh well.

I find it very difficult to grasp the idea that whatever “self” I have come to known, has been the product of my environment and interactions with others. I would like to think that I have better control—more power over myself and what I am to become. But even if I had more power, would the presence of various agents of socialization continue to sway me towards the ideas and suggestions of these agents? Is there really no non-conformist, unique, self-made path to finding and creating the self? Not conforming is adhering to the standards of the anti-norm, and joining the million others part of the nihilist army. I guess there really is no way to win the war between society and the formation of the self.

The looking glass self says that we often look at ourselves as though looking in a mirror—attempting to see ourselves as society does. We then create standards that we believe society wants of us, and make the conscious decision to either conform or deviate from these expectations. I believe the media has one of the strongest chokeholds on individuals attempting to define themselves. A lot of who we become is influenced through family, peers, and friends—but who influences these people? Television, advertisements, magazines, books and others have all been mediums for the presentation of what society is expecting, what defines the American society, and what exactly you must do to achieve these expectations. I know I am caught in a constant conflict between what society [the media] is defining as successful and what I personally believe to be the definition of success. I am finding that most sources create an idea that after graduating high school, the [successful] person will continue to college, find their soul-mate, get married, buy a larger-than-needed house to hold their 2.5 kids and dog, work a “normal” Monday-thru-Friday nine-to-five job, eventually sending their kids off to college, all while still continuing to wonder where the time went, then retiring and dying at some ripe age. Besides the media telling me this is what I “should” want, it is very evident that my friends/peers/and family all had a say in it too. Upon graduating high school, I had my peers all questioning where I was going to school afterwards, to which I had a definite answer that was the product of my father’s expectations of me. Did I really know what I wanted to do with my life? No, but my dad had me convinced that a degree in chemistry could get me anywhere—get me that high paying job to afford my 4.5 bedroom house with 5 acre yard in a safe suburban neighborhood. I followed suit to later realize that if I am to continue to define my life based on other’s expectations; I am going to miss things that I truly want to experience and grow from. In conclusion, I dropped that major and am continuing to look for my niche as far as education goes.

Pondering the idea of the looking-glass-self, I am thinking that I embody the slightly-more-confused-than-most college student. I realize there are millions of us, all attempting decide what we are passionate about—and what we should “do” with our lives. I see me, and believe that society kind of wants me to decide—because “success” isn’t going to be obtained by those wandering this world with no direction. This is where I battle. Between what I believe my personal successes will arise from, and what I know to be success in the eyes of my family, friends, and peers. I also continue to ask WHY I care about their concerns with my future. Perhaps it is the glaring threat of being ostracized from my comfortable social circles that have defined my life thus far. So, I can’t deny the slight influence of this support network. The “me” has convinced me to stay in school, taking classes part-time and attempting at finding my niche inside and outside of my education, but I am happy to say that the “I” has helped me remain comfortable in my own thoughts. I am continuing to realize that I can create my own path and question whatever expectations that the media, family, friends, and peers have of me. This idea makes me optimistic for my future endeavors as a wandering-learning-forever-growing and evolving individual.

"This is hard As the Readings Going to Get"

stop pulling my hairs from between your teeth. it's hurting my feelers [feelings].

my mind is riddled with some form of ADD. i swear. even when i am in the most intense situations, i find that my mind is wandering to less important thoughts. ideas. i guess they have some sort of importance, for my mind is deciding to think about them instead of the matter at hand. but my mind also realizes that the present is far more crucial for future endeavors. school for example. i can sit through my whole ethics class. somewhat interested. but also itching to leave the whole time. itching for when the clock says 6:30. this distracts me. of course, i have no plans tonight. probably just ride home and relax. what exactly am i anxious to do? no idea. anxious to not be in class i guess. even though i know that whatever it is that the professor is babbling on about is way more important. for my future as a college graduate anyway.

i keep thinking about the rain. and how clean it makes everything feel. the air smells so good. the rain will bring flowers. i need the flowers right now. i need the rain to somehow leech into my skin and germinate whatever flowers have embedded themselves within my epidermis. please.

i really want coffee. i've gone five days without. i was reading an article concerning addictions and whatnot. it was mostly talking about food and dieting. and how if you eliminate something from your life. your brain desires it even more. so. moderation is key. strict moderation. so. im making myself a deal. i will be anti-coffee all week. and after work on satuuurday. i will treat myself to a small latte. hmhmhmhmhmhm. yeah. sounds good. once a week latte doesn't sound too hard. right. yes.

i had a dream that my mom's boyfriend impregnated me with aliens that looked like sea anemones with umbilical cords. i was pissed.

dandelions

so if you are lost. and not attempting at becoming found. you aren't exactly lost are you. for in the state of being lost. there lies a hope of being found. of being discovered. of finding what is missing. so. emotionally lost. mentally lost. if i am not willing to find myself. am i really lost. or just being unbelievably stubborn at remaining in a discontent frame of mind. has this become my comfortable state. if there is something that is a little bit [off], then we have something to worry about. we have something to obsess over. did i allow myself to become so content. so happy. that the optimistic cloud-nine kind of environment created its own discontent-ness based on the fact that i wasn't able to create a uncomfortable bubble where pissed off angst-ridden ashley could have something to complain about. something to cry about to those who choose to lurk such internet sob story breeding grounds such as this.


this reflection
is manipulated by what.
fucking calvin klein
[snap her hip bones with your own]
who is to define beauty
as what you fail to present
to the rest of us.
you are beautiful
and i will define this
as every flaw and imperfection
that they disapprove of.
i will say that this is
what makes you the most
beautiful thing i have ever
come to know.
i couldn't imagine you as
anything but what
you are. who you are.
and what you have come to stand for.


i write that. but all through my mind i hear:

"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else." -fight club

lovely. my soc class is getting to my head. for better or for worse. i haven't decided.

peppermint mylk

am i confident saying that i can resist the temptation of coffee. or am i confident in the sense that i can say these things. physically release them from my mouth just to have me trip and fall in the muddy hole that is addiction.

ordered a steamer today. hey. its in the right direction. i cannot help feel a little guilty. three dollars for steamed soy milk is ridiculous but seems like a small price to pay for warm goodness at the time. there is a dull thud in my skull trying to tell me that my body is without its desired substance. hm. i will figure it out. im going to. the first day without was harder. i feel good about it today. i feel like im attempting to drop a heroin addiction. it really shouldn't be this dramatic/hard. ah well.

so. here we. go. what is the "better" thing to do. do we attempt to make the world a happier place for everyone else without proper attention to our own needs/desires/happiness. or do we selfishly only look after ourselves and people directly linked to the promise of our own content-ness. is it selfish to do good deeds based on the fact that you are doing them only to prove to yourself [other others] that you are a self-less, angelic, morally-perfect individual. are you only helping animals/humankind for the sole purpose of feeling better about yourself in the long run. are you hoping for some big pay-off in the end for being a more ethical human...compared to your fellow humans. or do you pursue the creation of happiness and alleviation of pain in others with the genuine purpose of making a more beautiful world for [those who aren't you] or people you are socially networked to. i would hope that most people participate in compassionate acts based on the fact that they sincerely care about these plagues and diseases that are destroying the earth and its people. but there will always be the people looking to be redeemed. in the eyes of their family. their peers. the state. redeemed through acts of kindness. balancing out their own karma. i am not saying this is a bad thing. but just kind of pacing around the question of people's genuine intentions. and whether it matters. it probably matters very little, except in the eyes of others whom are pursuing the greater good of their society and its inhabitants without a single thought concerning themselves and their own lives. those who see straight through the people who are meaning well only to relieve guilt or boost their moral popularity (or whatever you want to call it). perhaps those who are genuine in the pursuit could care less about the intentions of others. maybe it is more important to spend that energy towards their original goal. to alleviate pain and injustices. keep working towards the goal. not concerning themselves in the motives of other's alleviation of the same pains/injustices.

i dont really believe in a heaven. or an afterlife where we have to prove ourselves to be accepted into. but if i did. i would wonder if the "higher being" would be able to decipher genuine intentions from those that are result of guilt/an attempt at redemption or if the "higher being" would care. should they care? are good deeds that are an attempt at moral-popularity still good deeds? they will benefit those who they are enacted upon, but they were created solely to better the happiness/fix the karma of whoever decided they needed a moral boost.

i want to write more about this later. maybe rewrite it. ill leave it like this for now.

a phone call to god

hey its me. no i dont believe this is normal either. i haven't decided whether the world is dead to me or not. i woke up this morning with a deathwish on my chest. she told me that the world is dieing. so what is it worth to stick around. today. tomorrow. aren't we all walking a path towards the same destruction. the same fate. to eventually grow withered and grey. dark circles where brilliant sparkles used to dance upon our cheeks. your hair was darker then. maybe it was just because it was night and the moon had yet to show its face. then again. what if it decided to leave this universe for another. another with a brighter future. are we all but insignificant in the eyes of the moon. he could really care less for each of us. and our little dark pessimistic hearts. i cant decide whether there really is a person out there. with a genuine sense of self. a genuine hope for what will become. i seriously doubt there are minds so pure. without a single dark thought. ever?

what are we striving for. as a collective whole? should there be a common goal as a society? maybe not. is it every person for themselves? if i had the answers to all my questions...would i become bored? would my mind explode with information? im so tired.

ive decided there is only one thing that makes sense right now. my friendships. these people are my family. and i've decided that they are going to be plagued with my presence for as long as I decide to stick around this dark hearted world. i havent decided how to break the news to them. sorry guys. you are stuck with ashley forever.

i have a tight knot in my stomach. a shortness of breath within my chest. i cannot decide whether my eyes want to swell or shut.

a sense of self

what a peculiar sensation. they sit you down. shove a needle into your arm and the little machine spends about an hour sucking blood out and putting it back in. i have to say. didnt too much like the [putting back in] part. it made me cold. and feel weird. actually. the whole process is a tad weird. after six hours at the center I walked away with $40 cash. all spent on groceries later that night. hm hm hm. money is a joke. selling body fluids is more of a joke.

i cant decide which is more absurd. my addiction to caffeine/lattes. or the idea that our culture puts a taboo on becoming addicted to any substance. maybe thats what makes me want to stop the habit. what makes it wrong to be physically dependent on a substance? the fact that it empties our bank accounts/wrecks our bodies/possibly creates relationship problems? aren't we all aware of these complications? i am. i don't think my little coffee addiction has caused any problems to relationships. but i definitely feel the bodily side effects as well as the noticeable dip in my monetary possessions. is this enough to cause me to cease? this? or maybe the fact that the whole coffee industry is saturated with exploitation, oppression, and destruction?

am i a walking contradiction. standing against animal cruelty. animal exploitation. what is a human but another animal. isn't that what i attempt to advocate the most. the idea that humans are just another species that inhabit the earth. that they too--should be able to live in a world that makes sense to them. without fear of pain/injustice/oppression. i guess one can only boycott so much before she becomes a nihilistic non-functioning piece of crap...er. part of society.

what makes it alright/not all right for one to live a life that makes best sense to them? is it not alright as soon as everyday comforts and normalities (such as food/clothing/COFFEE) cross the line that separates what is ethically acceptable and what is cruel/inhumane. of course. who decided that the murder of another individual is wrong? is this not the "survival of the fittest"? yes. it is. has survival been given a new definition? is survival now the idea of success in our world? surviving high school and moving towards secondary education. surviving that and moving "up" in the world. to a full-time/with benefits career that helps one reproduce/raise a family/and retire comfortably to live the rest of their lives in bliss and relaxation. is this survival. are those who are dying actually just slipping below the radar. those living at or under the poverty line? is death the idea that ones life has no meaning/no importance? are the people who slip behind in school/work/life dying a slow unimportant death? i suppose this will go back to the idea that who decided that some individuals have the right to live while others deserve to die?? what defines an individual? a conscious? a sense of self? it it our responsibility to pick these dying individuals up? to better their lives? (so they might just use up the resources to rise and fall back under the radar?)



im going to go back to the question of what is ethically right or wrong? my questioning of this subject is probably the appearance of the idea in both of my classes this quarter. im continuing to be caught up in the idea that this universe is only so old. that ideas that people have considered over the years have evolved and advanced with changing opinions and beliefs. many of these beliefs were probably the spawn of religion, overwhelming influential leaders, and other factors that many fall accustomed/slave to. again. who says what anyone should or should not think. if people choose not to think for themselves, I guess that is their own problem. er. choice. i feel extremely lucky to live in a country where i am able to think what i want. write what i want. believe and act (to an extent) how I want. why are there still many countries without this freedom. are these countries not "civilized" for not allowing their citizens basic rights. what are these basic rights that we should--as humans--have access to? to live free of pain/exploitation? to live being able to speak up against supposed injustices? to live being able to say/dress/believe what we want?

I am a freaking hurricane of thought today. and not really able to write coherently or in a straight line. they took all my plasma out. and i feel somewhat enlightened. i feel a need to understand this world. and the people that inhabit it. i feel that truth is relative. a personal journey that we all should be able to experience in a way the best makes sense to us. is this way of thinking closed minded? is anyone really "open-minded" enough to accept all forms of thought and thinking? is such a concept fathomable? my mind is open in that I accept and enjoy hearing others take on the world. i want to hear what you live for. what are you about. but am i closed minded in the sense that my set of morals beliefs and opinions are set as of this second. right now. this instant in my head. or [are they set?] i am an indecisive flaky speck upon this earth. i guess i can't say i am 100% in anything i believe. maybe 100% sure that I will never be 100% sure. and i am completely ok with that. maybe this is the idea of an "open mind". that i am open to learning and changing my thought process and opinions based on what i learn and believe is true/what is right/what is wrong/what matters or doesn't matter. as i move forward in time.

this is lengthly and wordy. i dont blame you for not reading it all. i am indecisive piece of shit. whose mind is a freaking war zone right now. we have irrational impulsive crazy ashley attacking level-headed forward-thinking sane ashley. i want them to get along. i think that makes best sense for me.