veins

i am ninety years old. deep lines hiding what used to be a glow. sad eyes and gray lifeless hair. lifeless like this body. with skin almost translucent hanging off fragile arms. where has time lead me. time has lead me into a distant reality. where i have lost everyone who was important to me. this world has become detached and ugly. the continued neglect by its inhabitants has left it desolate. disgusting. a place that some had predicted. but only a few believed would come to be.

she wants out. she wanted out seventy years ago.

too hot

"her fever is down" is she responding to the medication? "no."

i am four years old. wispy dark hair loose on my small shoulders. an innocent mind and bright eyes. i have nothing to worry about. nothing at all. i am oblivious to this world. and the world is oblivious to me. but that does not matter. because all i know is my mom. all i know is my dad and my sister. my dog. my small collection of play-things. and the house we live in. built by my fathers hands. i knew that. i knew little pain. shallow sadness. i knew nothing of this place.

i am twenty years old. same messy dark hair. now. innocent eyes. and a fairly bright mind. this brain is plagued. this world is plagued.

falling over

missed you

forgetme

entirely frustrated with who i am right now. i go to bed each night taking a vow to better myself the next day. with the sun comes-a new ashley. one who sees her reality for what it is. no. my reality continues to twist and contort to reflect whatever it is this mind wants. perhaps i need to start ignoring the mind. and listening to the heart. its funny that for once. i trust it more than anything right now. it knows how things are. im guessing it is just forgetting to tell the rest of me.

because you matter in this individuals life

im waking before the sun to prove to this face that i too can become someone that is unrecognizable in the mirror. oh her? she got hit by a bus. im spending eight dollars to throw up. im emptying my bank account to indulge in temporary euphoria and buy my dentist a hummer. im playing make believe pretending your hand is in mine and we are somewhere beautiful where we love ourselves and each other. this reality is only what i see. only what i hear. only the thoughts in my head and no one else's. is this selfish or the truth. is there a reality outside that of what i am aware of. even if there is. is it relevant? i will sit and watch the ferris wheel all day and pretend you and i are side by side. playing this circle like it will be the last activity that we experience together. we are playing the game. ill show you mine if you show me yours. ill jump only if your fingers are tight around mine. ill jump only if you agree to love me up the moment we escape this conjoined reality. the professor keeps babbling on about something. his voice is dulled by my ears. he is attempting to explain something about morality. one ear out the other. does this tell me something about my role as a student. that i am a horrible one. that my time could be better spent doing something else. maybe? maybe not.

hands

i cannot answer why you make the most sense. it is just the way it works. its just the way this mind works. it is scattered and crazy. but in your hands it feels together and content. everything is clear and brilliant. i dont want to lose these hands. dont jump. without me. you make the most sense. and it means everything right now. little makes sense. but your hands make everything clear. i am hearing fallacies from glaring eyes. but your eyes speak only truth. and your hands speak only love. your hands in mine. makes the most sense.