digital personality

right now....attempting to write a ten page paper on school shootings. due in roughly 24 hours....I don't really know how I am going to pull this off. instead. i have some thoughts in my mind. i feel as though is going to be somewhat of a pity post. so bear with me.

my eyes get hot when I think of friendships. sometimes I feel that all the little connections I have with everyone are hanging on by a thread. I feel that they really wouldn't mind if I disappeared forever...you know? I mean, I am sure I am liked by a few people here and there...random people I have been able to make shallow conversation with...acquaintances that I see from time to time. but in all reality. these people most likely wouldn't even realize that I was missing from the little sphere in which they see me. lets see. i have my partner. i have a few guy friends that are fun to hang around. but perhaps its because I am a girl and the majority of my friends are guys....i usually feel alienated. perhaps irrational. but there are things that I cannot connect with them on. i haven't had really close amazing connections with people since middle/high school. even then. i felt so different from my friends that sometimes I felt ashamed of who I was or the ideas that passed through my mind from time to time. its a little easier now, being surrounded by similar minds. but still. i feel a disconnect. perhaps its the sex thing. I never believed it to be true. but. ?[is] it completely impossible to have friends of the opposite sex that could be as close as friends as are those of the same sex (talking in terms of heterosexual orientation)? I've always heard (even from my professors that the sex issue is always on someones mind....even in supposedly platonic relationships). It is said there is this weird energy. this weird aspect to the friendship that most likely will eventually turn the friendship south/dysfunctional. I always denied this. the friendships I feel towards all of my guy friends is strictly platonic. I feel like I have six older brothers...they pick on me. the defend me. i would like to think they would do anything for me. but as of late. i am finding they have much bigger and better things on their minds than a seemingly shallow friendship with some girl that found her way into their circle. if they only knew. or perhaps they do. i would do anything for them. as sad as it sounds. they are all i have right now. and i dont think they even know it. this is where i've been getting really down. i have this fight with myself over the idea of not having any really close friends that are girls. for the longest time, I didn't think this was a big deal...because I had my guys. but there are some things they dont want to hear. some things i dont want to tell them. but at the same time i also feel the same urge to tell someone. someone similar to myself. who may understand things on a similar level. i never really liked that weird segregation that we are exposed to in elementary school. boys and girls are expected to be somewhat separate....in terms of friendships anyway. until they choose to mate and breed with one another...then they combine....but keep their guys nights/girls nights. because thats the way it is. some things are taboo to talk about with people of the opposite sex. and thats how it is. platonic friendships with guys are not possible. this is all i hear. this is all i dont want to believe.

sometimes i feel that it is way too late for me to make really close connected relationships with other people. i feel like I dont have a face that anyone can relate to. unrecognizable even to myself at times. where am i going. what am i doing. what am i thinking. am i crazy or sane. i have attempted new friendships with guys. they usually get the wrong idea. [supporting the sex hypothesis]. i have also attempted friendships with girls....that end with an unexplainable disconnect. perhaps my point of being. is to be isolated. to be that mystery girl with a mystery heart.

i feel as though the internet is breeding more and more shallow convenient friendships that all center around false depictions of ourselves as pixels on a screen. words without emotion or intensity. people without emotion or intensity. there is only a forty word definition of who we are next to link to a few images that we imagine to be "us". we are advertising ourselves for friendships....we are attempting connected-ness...but in turn become more disconnected. we don't even like hearing each others voices. we much prefer reading brief text through our universal digital connections with everyone and anyone. we love digitally. we fight digitally. we rant digitally [case and point]. we strive and strive to define ourselves through labels. logos. definitions of what it means to be us. words on a screen define who we are for the world. forget about meeting me in real life. you can be friends with my digital soul. for it is all displayed for you to love or despise.