eye lashes

we are drowning in a sea of the most discriminating open minded progressive thinkers of our time. and I hope I am not a hypocrite myself for saying such a thing. i meet the most fascinating and creative people on a daily basis. i love them and I don't even know them. I wish I had some sort of confidence in myself. I would express the utmost affection for who they are and what they have the potential to do for this world. we are a nation of thinkers. dreamers. activists. leaders. followers. we need the loud and we need the reserved. why do we continue to isolate ourselves in a [safe] [sub]culture bubble where everything is happy and serene? we look at those deviating from our definition of what is [right] with disgust and the desire to fix their [problem]. we decide that their brains MUST function in a twisted. abnormal. unhealthy way. and we can either berate them for their dysfunction or somehow [cure] the ailment with alienation and discrimination. you are not invited to our exclusive gatherings. you are not invited to have one progressive thought without the other ones. basically. your process of thinking is far inferior to mine. [even though you are a pretty cool person, try a little harder and be like me. if there were more me[s] in this world, my reality would be a little more comfortable]

i am a tad bit frustrated as of late. again. ok. i am like this MOST of the time. mostly because i am constantly surround by amazing ideas and movements. but unable to do my part for all of them because there isn't enough time during this lifetime. i hate to think that I [do what i can] because i usually get furious with myself for not doing more. i guess where i fall short is when attempting to [educate] those who may be unaware of some [important] ethical thoughts i have found within the last few years of my life.

where do we draw the line between wanting to fix these unethical practices and allowing people to think for themselves and take responsibility for their life choices and actions that follow them. how do we define what is unethical when the idea of ethics in itself is not a solid factual idea. we can only take our ethical beliefs from those religions we follow during our journey through life. [and when i say religion. i am using it in its most general sense. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion]]. but is this just how we are. because faith feels so good. we will completely devote ourselves to our movements. our labels. until these words. these ideas become us. and we become the ideas. we fear the taboo associated with the evolution of the ethical values we may find within ourselves. again. if you deviate from my ideal moral perfectness, we will desert you. we will berate you. how dare you demoralize me by changing your process of thought rationalization and ethical beliefs. also. we group ourselves together and decide that we are the elite. or pretty close to it. is this perpetual branching of progressive thinkers what keeps us from social change? we do not see ourselves in those even a little bit different than us and think these people. so distant from our own reflections. cannot possibly desire the same social change as us. because it is more comfortable to work with those exactly like us, we stay in our smaller cultural circles. that. seem to me. could be preventing the thinkers. dreamers. activists as a whole to bring about change.

mind you. this was written by a very tired. very frustrated. very abstract mind. my brain is often caught running in circles. and i haven't found a way to stop it. i probably wrote what i wanted to say a little backwards and probably left some thoughts out. hm. i would also like to say. i am NOT anti-activists/anti-passionates/anti-progressives. i am very much in love with all of the above. i am just becoming more aware of the little sub-cultures we are ever so eager to mold ourselves into. hopefully we are not doing this to boost our image within these circles. but rather because we are truly passionate about the positive aspects our respective communities.

my brain is off for tonight

ellipses

she is having her reality problems again. i am questioning my own consciousness. still not quite sure if I am actually here or any of you are here. perhaps i am making up this whole world for myself...in my little awkward-not-very-sociable-brain. no. too selfish. maybe i am the product of someone else's big scheme. god? no. maybe someone who feeds off death. destruction. devastation. because that is all i see. all i hear about. if it isn't the thousands of people overseas. its the optimistic second-year theater student bicycling on her way to class. if it isn't the whalers off the coasts of japan. its the guy down the street who hit a deer while driving last week. i am going to drive the extra twenty miles to whole foods. the more ethical choice. bring my reusable shopping bags. and drive my 12mpg SUV home. i am going to order the nonfat latte with extra whip cream. buy the reduced fat oreos. i am going to wear vertical stripes because they are slimming. and the livestrong bracelet. to show that i live strongly. pink for breast cancer. pink for money towards animal testing and pharmaceuticals. money for drugs. not for cures. im selling my time to corporations who could care less about me and what i hope to achieve in this lifetime. [how are you today?] [would you like room?] [decaf nonfat?] suit and tie. it makes me look that much more important. way far superior to you. we work too much. sleep too little. not enough time to live in this lifetime. live. learn. buy. school. buy. more school. work. buy. work. buy. die. i don't think we were born to pursue material goods. born to love? pursue happiness? no. no. no. born to coexist with the billions of others who wish to rape this world in order to prove themselves to the higher being. born to destroy and reject anything and everything that is different from the small collection of values we hold for ourselves. for we have the universal truth. of what is right and just. we are all knowing aren't we? and [why wont they listen].....this purgatory is pointless. so lets all chew it up and spit it out. paradise is on the horizon. reality is gone. i am frustrated with so many things.

spiders

my knees are keeping my heart company and my head is meeting the cold concrete with little hesitation. i am on top of a mountain. i look up expecting bright clouds to greet my curious glance. all i see is little specks of blue where the fur trees fail to paint the sky and i gaze downward. the forest is crawling with spiders. all on personal adventures that the rest of existence is unaware of. eight legs carry them across the grassy treacherous terrain. and we wonder what his little brain is thinking about. food? shelter? his many enemies. including my ignorant shoe that may end his fearless journey upon my desire to dive deeper into this wood. i walk on. hoping the best for my little friend. for a split second, my sight is tainted red and i feel the most comforting warmth engulf my body. starting at my head and flowing like water towards my ankles. i'm curious to what kind of strain my heart can handle. what kind of nature it can endure. i open my eyes to smoke and screaming. where am i. what has this place become. my head is bleeding but i feel the most comforting feeling of content-ness right between my knees. right next to the thud thud of dying dreams.

watch out. little fat rain cloud hovering just a few inches from this cheek biting face. my inability to write is making me frustrated. i have too many ideas circulating lately. mostly how work is making me mentally ill. i feel too tired. too lonely. too corporate. fred meyer is leeching me of any creative thought and action i might have had. i am diseased. and looking for a new job.

i have also been reading too much. listening to too much. thinking too much. i cant say i know where my hope for a more beautiful existence spawned from. but its fading away faster than i can attempt to solidify it. all i hear about is the impending doom of our economy. our government. this country. i read about the rising cost of living. food. gas. wages will stay the same. less jobs. people are making too many babies. killing too many people. too many animals. devastation is humans gift to our earth and dehumanization is our gift to each other. what is this life. what does it mean for all the people that [get it]. happiness? is that all we can wish upon ourselves. a petty human emotion that brings a warm feeling to our gut. is that all that we are concerned with? its one of those days. when happiness doesn't look appealing. where success is not defined and never will be. where i am falling into a cycle of confused construction of self in the morning, and never failing destruction in the evening.

nod

you will not catch me upon your swift wings. i am a flighty one myself. indecisive on what way to turn. when to stop. when to go. nod once for no twice for yes. you will find me. looking out over Icelandic like blue. the wind in my hair whispers to me. mermaid hair. it curls for you. blurry eyes attempt to focus on your hands holding mine. too young for age to disease. too old for ignorance to capture. we are lost to this world.

my fingers cannot quite form the words i wish to write.

gnawing at the mind. a moment where you lose your ambitions. goals. anything of much importance is worthless. where is the self control. where is the ability to decipher what is helping you and what is hurting you.