normal

in the last year or so, i have found whenever i am anxious or nervous my hands somehow find their way to my face. with my face being broken out lately...i've found myself picking at my face. which is a horrible habit. it not only puts more dirt/oil/whatever on your skin, it prevents healing. one thing im not looking forward to. having freaking nasty scarred up skin when im older. i've found that I have been getting way more nervous recently. not sure if it is the company or just my general insecurities.

i straight out asked ben today if i was overly awkward. of course he had a long wordy answer concerning how he believes my brain acts in certain situations. im sure he was just trying to make me feel better. but i cant help but feel further insecure. i've talked about this before. but. it has been going through my head more and more as i continue to interact with people. ben says its obvious my mind is going a million miles a minute in these situations. that i just need to learn to relax and not think so much. haven't i been saying this to myself for the past few YEARS?

why do i worry so much about what people think. is it because i feel that i've always kind of been in a gray-area with people. like. im not loveable, but im not really disliked. im like oatmeal. plain. liked by most people, but also not a favorite breakfast food--like pancakes or waffles. bad analogy.

i want this to be like a movie. where i have this really deep realization that i too can be normal and fun--and then the movie fades to night and later i am portrayed as a confidant, witty, fun-to-be-around individual. but really. would this be myself. i don't want to have to change for anyone. but really. i just feel like i still put on a fake-ish ashley at certain times. not like target-ashley. but. a hesitant. attempt at being normal. normal is a joke though.

im kind of talking in circles. i wish i could get over whatever mind block i have and just be. fuck. i just want to throw something against a wall.