toxic

im not quite sure why i let myself turn into a pile of virgin toxicity. pretty much made myself look like an ass while also realizing what i was doing to my body. it is amazing. drugs are amazing and ridiculous. waste of time. and when i say drugs. i mean caffeine. alcohol. and cigarettes. i guess it may have been good for me to experience it once. so i know why i choose a life of sobriety. but. i cant help but feel painful regret in choking down five or six cigarettes. probably the nastiest thing you could ever do to yourself. i think im going to somewhat fast for three days. hopefully detoxify my body of the havoc i made it endure last night. fuck.

also in the alter reality. im pretty sure i said a few things that im going to later regret. when does that not happen. i sound really cliche right now. fuck. im not quite sure who heard them. but. damn. besides the few random regretful statements. the only thing semi-good that came out of this was the experience i had talking to some people. its amazing how social one can get with the right substances in their bloodstream. i am hoping most of it was psychological. that i knew i wasn't right in the head. so i had an excuse for being outgoing and whatnot. i want to somehow trick my brain into thinking that yes ashley. you can talk to people with confidence just being yourself with your own head. it will be a work in progress i suppose.

i rode home last night. it is so much colder here than portland. the wind seemed to bite my face and pull my mind from my body. if that makes sense. i felt kind of detached. maybe it was because of my slow sobering that messed up my emotions. i came home and cried until i fell asleep. upset at what i did. feeling extremely self conscious and regretting my self destructive habits that for whatever reason. decided to shove their little demon hands down my throat after dinner with my mom. its funny how you think you are done with something. you feel that you healed and are progressing towards something beautiful and strong. just to later find yourself face down in a kaleidescope of what used to be tofu stir fry.

i think i am staying until tomorrow. i want some loose peppermint tea. so i dont have to spend $2 on it down the block. need to....see my father. vacuum my car. hhhm. i only got three hours of sleep and it will probably hit me hard in the face later today.