time away

so happy. happy. i feel that this is worth every bit of trouble. right? ah. in the back of my mind. i am pondering the backlash. the potential loss of friendships and the judgments of those not getting it. but really. do i get it? do i understand why my brain is suddenly filled with too-strong-to-even-begin-to-explain thoughts. i am told that it is temporary. the hormones and chemicals saturating my brain have put me in a reality of intense happiness and infatuation. is what i am feeling actually the product of a few sweet words. or an actual longing and love for someone who has only recently come into my life.

"i love you, and I dont even know you." a little boy wanted to keep me forever at scotts. but i had to walk out the door, probably out of his life forever. of course, he was four. he probably forgot about me within the next 15 minutes.

i am not quite sure if i want to walk out of this forever. or pretend that the feelings are fake/temporary/irrational. i want to believe with all of my heart that this is genuine. that i am feeling something that could grow and become something beautiful. that somehow it could work. i keep hearing that relationships like this are really hard and don't work out 99% of the time. and when they do fall apart. the network of friends behind the relationship could possibly disintegrate as well. i need that network. they are all i have. and i love them.




i had a nasty bout with the evil hands today. the ones that like to keep my legs wrapped around the cold porcelain demon. perhaps i need to figure that out before i attempt to figure out any relationship. my stomach hurts really bad. its not good to tease your digestive organs. only ends up getting upset and yelling at you for being super lame and irrational. i need a better relationship with what i consume. hm

i do not want to cashier for eight hours tomorrow. i have fri sat sun off. i kind of want to go home. but really dont want to drive. my car is falling apart. and i have a feeling that my mom wants a break from me.