peppermint mylk

am i confident saying that i can resist the temptation of coffee. or am i confident in the sense that i can say these things. physically release them from my mouth just to have me trip and fall in the muddy hole that is addiction.

ordered a steamer today. hey. its in the right direction. i cannot help feel a little guilty. three dollars for steamed soy milk is ridiculous but seems like a small price to pay for warm goodness at the time. there is a dull thud in my skull trying to tell me that my body is without its desired substance. hm. i will figure it out. im going to. the first day without was harder. i feel good about it today. i feel like im attempting to drop a heroin addiction. it really shouldn't be this dramatic/hard. ah well.

so. here we. go. what is the "better" thing to do. do we attempt to make the world a happier place for everyone else without proper attention to our own needs/desires/happiness. or do we selfishly only look after ourselves and people directly linked to the promise of our own content-ness. is it selfish to do good deeds based on the fact that you are doing them only to prove to yourself [other others] that you are a self-less, angelic, morally-perfect individual. are you only helping animals/humankind for the sole purpose of feeling better about yourself in the long run. are you hoping for some big pay-off in the end for being a more ethical human...compared to your fellow humans. or do you pursue the creation of happiness and alleviation of pain in others with the genuine purpose of making a more beautiful world for [those who aren't you] or people you are socially networked to. i would hope that most people participate in compassionate acts based on the fact that they sincerely care about these plagues and diseases that are destroying the earth and its people. but there will always be the people looking to be redeemed. in the eyes of their family. their peers. the state. redeemed through acts of kindness. balancing out their own karma. i am not saying this is a bad thing. but just kind of pacing around the question of people's genuine intentions. and whether it matters. it probably matters very little, except in the eyes of others whom are pursuing the greater good of their society and its inhabitants without a single thought concerning themselves and their own lives. those who see straight through the people who are meaning well only to relieve guilt or boost their moral popularity (or whatever you want to call it). perhaps those who are genuine in the pursuit could care less about the intentions of others. maybe it is more important to spend that energy towards their original goal. to alleviate pain and injustices. keep working towards the goal. not concerning themselves in the motives of other's alleviation of the same pains/injustices.

i dont really believe in a heaven. or an afterlife where we have to prove ourselves to be accepted into. but if i did. i would wonder if the "higher being" would be able to decipher genuine intentions from those that are result of guilt/an attempt at redemption or if the "higher being" would care. should they care? are good deeds that are an attempt at moral-popularity still good deeds? they will benefit those who they are enacted upon, but they were created solely to better the happiness/fix the karma of whoever decided they needed a moral boost.

i want to write more about this later. maybe rewrite it. ill leave it like this for now.