round she goes. round and round. i am having a hard time pulling myself out of this.

oh hey. 2011

it feels awkward to come back to an almost forgotten blog. i often think about these kind of abandonments...looking up old favorite blogs to discover that they too...just stopped writing. no warning or goodbyes. just gone. either way. i've come back to mine...in hopes that it would inspire my brain. give me hope. or something. after reading past entries...disappointment sets in. a collection of angsty/stressed-out rants about school and life. but I guess I have never been one to express happiness through words. just anxiety. happiness deserves conversations, movement, and action. this is all my anxiety deserves. pixelated thoughts typed out on a blog no one will ever see. well. hhm. maybe i will try harder tomorrow.

calm calm calm

it hasn't been impossible. but to just stop thinking must be one of the hardest obstacles I have ever attempted. instead of feeling out of reality [like last week]. i feel rather fuzzy. on edge. i was told to go to talk to someone. but i feel rather determined to fix my own brain thank you. it is hard to grasp the idea that someone else might know you better than you know yourself. i think sometimes we just deny everything [to ourselves]. if we are honest with our mind. it will be honest in return. positive reinforcement. positive energy. i promise i am not turning into some new-agey hippie woman. maybe a little.

i am feeling a little better each day. and hopefully it will all go away soon. im telling myself it will go away. it will work. besides working on not thinking. i am deleting myself. well. the myspace is gone. [or will be gone]. the twitter is gone. i am not sure about facebook. its never really been my thing. here is where i am worrying: i know this digital era is having both positive and negative effects on us. i feel that the positive can never balance out the negative, so i am attempting at limiting and taking control of technology's grasp on my mind. this blog will probably be the only remaining outlet. for now anyway. but heres the scary catch....all of my peers. my family. most of the people i know are all inter-connected and will not follow my lead. so. along with protecting my mind from digital overload, i am ostracizing myself from a comfortable social network. this will be the big experiment i guess. hhhhm.

thump thump thump

i have come to a halt somewhere between trendy angst and undeniable insanity. i dont know if it is school. work. or some other underlying stress...but I cannot stop thinking about my heart. thump thump thump. it feels like it is beating too fast. i checked my blood pressure at work the other day...prehypertensive. perhaps because i have been super anxious out of nowhere. it was also checked again at the dr.s office last week. still high...with a high pulse rate. i dont know what my deal is.

curt keeps telling me that i am making myself sick. its all in my head. hyperchondriac status. seriously though. i dont know if i am sick or not. i dont know if my anxiety is causing my heart to race...which in turn is causing me to feel super tired all the time. when we were in CO, I felt like the elevation was making me breathe weird...causing my heart to race. i bought a multi vitamin over there thinking perhaps i am anemic. it seems to have helped a bit. but perhaps it is a placebo affect. i am at school right now. unable to concentrate. i need to finish up a lesson plan that was due tuesday. but i cannot concentrate on it. i start thinking about my breathing and then notice that my heart is beating hard and get scared. i think i might go home and sleep. try to relax. but i need to go to class today. missed two classes already because of vacay to CO. i was walking to lab and kept feeling woozy. like I was floating. i dont understand. i have to work tonight. im scared im going to pass out in the stockroom and rats will come out and nibble on my fingers.

anyway. if anyone reading this can help me relax or give me advice...id greatly appreciate it. i dont know if this is pure anxiety or perhaps somethign more serious. i wish i had more time/energy...perhaps I need to see a shrink. damnit.

pomegranate

i just realized i started this blog in 2007....three years have gone by. I am trying to think about what I can show for the last three years of my life. Not much...a few class grades on paper, perhaps Curtis....er...I don't know. As far as this blog goes, it seems that the last three years have been full of angst and stress [probably related to school or my insane mind].

anyway. more later. i want to make this a semi-regular thing (again). Lets hope eh?

spring

i hate reading through old posts and rediscovering the various pity parties that one goes through. or that [I] go through on a fairly consistent basis. hopefully I get get my mind back and running in a more positive direction.

it is April. Three weeks into my last quarter of college. (besides a bonus summer course I will be taking)--but basically--I am almost done. Like most other young adults at this time, I am terrified. I feel that I am not ready for the real world...I wish I had the money to go to school forever...but no. Instead, school ends and I start getting the gross financial aid bills. bachelor of science in both sociology and general social science. sounds repetitive? yeah. general social science was kind of a last minute decision after i found out I was only one course short of double majoring (thus-summer class). I guess a double major might look good on paper...we will see.

I found out a couple months ago that my father is moving down to this area--Ridgefield to be exact. I met up with him last week for a check handoff (I have to convince him every quarter that I am still in college and seriously broke...not to mention my financial aid was $400 short of covering my school bills) Glorious. Anyway. We meet up with him and he says he can only give me half--I enthusiastically thank him and agree to meet up again later. After the handoff, he suggests that I come see the house that he is looking to buy. We drive down a desolate farm road clear from the highway...Ridgefield is rugged. I follow him into a driveway to the Taj Mahal! SERIOUSLY. This house is huge! It reminds me of the big houses that speckled the hills in tri-cities, but this one had a pretty boring yard--no trees, etc. He tells us that we can have a peek inside if his realtor shows up in a couple minutes. So, pretty indifferent about the situation--I decide to poke around the exterior, peeking into windows and whatnot. On the way back around, we find that his realtor finally showed up--so we decide to do a walkthrough. Lets see. For such a big house, there were only three bedrooms including a huge master bedroom--as well as SIX full bathrooms. Tell me how useful a shower would be located in the formal living room. Walking in you are met with a large foyer and a spiral-y staircase with beautiful iron supports. Huge kitchen, huge family and living spaces, a huge office with built-in desks and whatnot, a huge play-room with a sink, fridge, and whatnot, a separate long rec room with another kitchenette type thing and a double headed shower outside of a indoor sauna...complete with wood benches and a table right outside (built in). Good for them. The only issue is that 1) My Dad would never choose to live here if it was completely his choice 2) My Dad said that Dee (stepmom) didn't really like the house. So, why.....I am guessing he is trying to give her the best he can--which makes me sad--because she doesnt and has never cared about providing my dad with much--emotional or otherwise. I feel slightly at risk for posting these thoughts for everyone to read...but thoughts about my stepmom have been floating around my head for some time. Last time I saw her--I couldn't get over her LV bag and coach earrings. Damnit. My dad doesn't even get his own checkbook really. So controlling. Anyway. I am just scared for him. Krysta (stepsis) is going to BYU Hawaii this year....most likely with no student loans and a nice credit card that her mom (and my dad) will pay off. I just feel...that my dad wants to support us...but perhaps Dee doesn't allow him to.

Anyway. Long rant. My current goals are to not rely on my parents. Which is working out fairly well. Its just hard when I was promised help with college and it hasn't really followed through. Oh well. I'm pretty scared about going to GradSchool...f I decide to....another 40,000 in debt sounds pretty nasty. And all for what? I don't know really.

I am going to cut myself off right now. I feel the pessimisties entering my brain and don't want to turn this into another sap post.

digital personality

right now....attempting to write a ten page paper on school shootings. due in roughly 24 hours....I don't really know how I am going to pull this off. instead. i have some thoughts in my mind. i feel as though is going to be somewhat of a pity post. so bear with me.

my eyes get hot when I think of friendships. sometimes I feel that all the little connections I have with everyone are hanging on by a thread. I feel that they really wouldn't mind if I disappeared forever...you know? I mean, I am sure I am liked by a few people here and there...random people I have been able to make shallow conversation with...acquaintances that I see from time to time. but in all reality. these people most likely wouldn't even realize that I was missing from the little sphere in which they see me. lets see. i have my partner. i have a few guy friends that are fun to hang around. but perhaps its because I am a girl and the majority of my friends are guys....i usually feel alienated. perhaps irrational. but there are things that I cannot connect with them on. i haven't had really close amazing connections with people since middle/high school. even then. i felt so different from my friends that sometimes I felt ashamed of who I was or the ideas that passed through my mind from time to time. its a little easier now, being surrounded by similar minds. but still. i feel a disconnect. perhaps its the sex thing. I never believed it to be true. but. ?[is] it completely impossible to have friends of the opposite sex that could be as close as friends as are those of the same sex (talking in terms of heterosexual orientation)? I've always heard (even from my professors that the sex issue is always on someones mind....even in supposedly platonic relationships). It is said there is this weird energy. this weird aspect to the friendship that most likely will eventually turn the friendship south/dysfunctional. I always denied this. the friendships I feel towards all of my guy friends is strictly platonic. I feel like I have six older brothers...they pick on me. the defend me. i would like to think they would do anything for me. but as of late. i am finding they have much bigger and better things on their minds than a seemingly shallow friendship with some girl that found her way into their circle. if they only knew. or perhaps they do. i would do anything for them. as sad as it sounds. they are all i have right now. and i dont think they even know it. this is where i've been getting really down. i have this fight with myself over the idea of not having any really close friends that are girls. for the longest time, I didn't think this was a big deal...because I had my guys. but there are some things they dont want to hear. some things i dont want to tell them. but at the same time i also feel the same urge to tell someone. someone similar to myself. who may understand things on a similar level. i never really liked that weird segregation that we are exposed to in elementary school. boys and girls are expected to be somewhat separate....in terms of friendships anyway. until they choose to mate and breed with one another...then they combine....but keep their guys nights/girls nights. because thats the way it is. some things are taboo to talk about with people of the opposite sex. and thats how it is. platonic friendships with guys are not possible. this is all i hear. this is all i dont want to believe.

sometimes i feel that it is way too late for me to make really close connected relationships with other people. i feel like I dont have a face that anyone can relate to. unrecognizable even to myself at times. where am i going. what am i doing. what am i thinking. am i crazy or sane. i have attempted new friendships with guys. they usually get the wrong idea. [supporting the sex hypothesis]. i have also attempted friendships with girls....that end with an unexplainable disconnect. perhaps my point of being. is to be isolated. to be that mystery girl with a mystery heart.

i feel as though the internet is breeding more and more shallow convenient friendships that all center around false depictions of ourselves as pixels on a screen. words without emotion or intensity. people without emotion or intensity. there is only a forty word definition of who we are next to link to a few images that we imagine to be "us". we are advertising ourselves for friendships....we are attempting connected-ness...but in turn become more disconnected. we don't even like hearing each others voices. we much prefer reading brief text through our universal digital connections with everyone and anyone. we love digitally. we fight digitally. we rant digitally [case and point]. we strive and strive to define ourselves through labels. logos. definitions of what it means to be us. words on a screen define who we are for the world. forget about meeting me in real life. you can be friends with my digital soul. for it is all displayed for you to love or despise.

then i realize that the path they share has never been my own. and i get scared.

i keep writing words and deleting them. like my mind is not very impressed with anything I have to say. perhaps that is why I haven't written in so long. i am highly annoyed. with myself. with noise. with heat. i just want quiet. and maybe someone nice to chat with. i feel like im continuing to lose a grasp on who I am. im falling into bad habits and a discontent state of mind now and again....and its driving me crazy. i feel like im losing a connectedness with my close friends. perhaps its because they are mainly guys. and i am a girl. with very few friends that are girls. complain complain. ashley is bad at making and keeping friends. the end.

running nowhere. fast. im in a destructive mood. hopefully it will lean towards creative destructiveness. that would nice.

light

my face is flushed. i blame myself for my infirmity. of course. what does it mean to be healthy. happy? socially physically and mentally well? free from disease? whose responsibility is it to remain well and happy? self responsibility we cry!! we could shy our eyes from the media. from others. we could create our own world of health and happiness. and we do. and we thrive within it. and we forget about everyone else. because its their own fault they are getting fat. getting cancer. getting smashed by cars. lets see. responsibility. the majority of us are wage slaves. we work to be able to live [comfortably]^1. after we eat oreos for twenty years. smoking half a pack a day. we sit wide eyed at a doctor telling us that we have just suffered from a major heart attack and that we had better lose the weight and stop smoking. so. we are prescribed some meds and buy the ten latest weight loss books. so...corporations sell the products that we consume[die from]^2. perhaps these products aren't widely known of what they contain and what they could do in the long run. of course. why would they advertise that. even better question...organizations fighting against heart disease...etc...why don't they shed some light on the real reason people are dying. why aren't these messages on the sides of city buses and right behind the local mattress commercials. why would the american heart association want to say such things about the corporate sponsors that slip them a fatty check every year. even though it is the respective corporations killing the consumer. and of course. the pharmaceutical industries don't care about individuals. they. like the common corporation. just want more consumers. more dying people. to buy their drugs. i wouldn't be surprised if they were paying the corporations to put more chemicals into the products. to create more infirmity and disease. anddddddd the government denies us affordable healthcare. so even if we wanted the drugs we would have to pay them as well. are we but wage slaves that work to kill ourselves. as long as im happy i guess.


1. not my personal definition of comfortable. rather. my assumption of what every other person may want in their lives.
2. not necessarily always die from. but from what we know about the fatty foods/chemicals used in processing foods--you do the math. you are what you eat.

eye lashes

we are drowning in a sea of the most discriminating open minded progressive thinkers of our time. and I hope I am not a hypocrite myself for saying such a thing. i meet the most fascinating and creative people on a daily basis. i love them and I don't even know them. I wish I had some sort of confidence in myself. I would express the utmost affection for who they are and what they have the potential to do for this world. we are a nation of thinkers. dreamers. activists. leaders. followers. we need the loud and we need the reserved. why do we continue to isolate ourselves in a [safe] [sub]culture bubble where everything is happy and serene? we look at those deviating from our definition of what is [right] with disgust and the desire to fix their [problem]. we decide that their brains MUST function in a twisted. abnormal. unhealthy way. and we can either berate them for their dysfunction or somehow [cure] the ailment with alienation and discrimination. you are not invited to our exclusive gatherings. you are not invited to have one progressive thought without the other ones. basically. your process of thinking is far inferior to mine. [even though you are a pretty cool person, try a little harder and be like me. if there were more me[s] in this world, my reality would be a little more comfortable]

i am a tad bit frustrated as of late. again. ok. i am like this MOST of the time. mostly because i am constantly surround by amazing ideas and movements. but unable to do my part for all of them because there isn't enough time during this lifetime. i hate to think that I [do what i can] because i usually get furious with myself for not doing more. i guess where i fall short is when attempting to [educate] those who may be unaware of some [important] ethical thoughts i have found within the last few years of my life.

where do we draw the line between wanting to fix these unethical practices and allowing people to think for themselves and take responsibility for their life choices and actions that follow them. how do we define what is unethical when the idea of ethics in itself is not a solid factual idea. we can only take our ethical beliefs from those religions we follow during our journey through life. [and when i say religion. i am using it in its most general sense. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion]]. but is this just how we are. because faith feels so good. we will completely devote ourselves to our movements. our labels. until these words. these ideas become us. and we become the ideas. we fear the taboo associated with the evolution of the ethical values we may find within ourselves. again. if you deviate from my ideal moral perfectness, we will desert you. we will berate you. how dare you demoralize me by changing your process of thought rationalization and ethical beliefs. also. we group ourselves together and decide that we are the elite. or pretty close to it. is this perpetual branching of progressive thinkers what keeps us from social change? we do not see ourselves in those even a little bit different than us and think these people. so distant from our own reflections. cannot possibly desire the same social change as us. because it is more comfortable to work with those exactly like us, we stay in our smaller cultural circles. that. seem to me. could be preventing the thinkers. dreamers. activists as a whole to bring about change.

mind you. this was written by a very tired. very frustrated. very abstract mind. my brain is often caught running in circles. and i haven't found a way to stop it. i probably wrote what i wanted to say a little backwards and probably left some thoughts out. hm. i would also like to say. i am NOT anti-activists/anti-passionates/anti-progressives. i am very much in love with all of the above. i am just becoming more aware of the little sub-cultures we are ever so eager to mold ourselves into. hopefully we are not doing this to boost our image within these circles. but rather because we are truly passionate about the positive aspects our respective communities.

my brain is off for tonight

ellipses

she is having her reality problems again. i am questioning my own consciousness. still not quite sure if I am actually here or any of you are here. perhaps i am making up this whole world for myself...in my little awkward-not-very-sociable-brain. no. too selfish. maybe i am the product of someone else's big scheme. god? no. maybe someone who feeds off death. destruction. devastation. because that is all i see. all i hear about. if it isn't the thousands of people overseas. its the optimistic second-year theater student bicycling on her way to class. if it isn't the whalers off the coasts of japan. its the guy down the street who hit a deer while driving last week. i am going to drive the extra twenty miles to whole foods. the more ethical choice. bring my reusable shopping bags. and drive my 12mpg SUV home. i am going to order the nonfat latte with extra whip cream. buy the reduced fat oreos. i am going to wear vertical stripes because they are slimming. and the livestrong bracelet. to show that i live strongly. pink for breast cancer. pink for money towards animal testing and pharmaceuticals. money for drugs. not for cures. im selling my time to corporations who could care less about me and what i hope to achieve in this lifetime. [how are you today?] [would you like room?] [decaf nonfat?] suit and tie. it makes me look that much more important. way far superior to you. we work too much. sleep too little. not enough time to live in this lifetime. live. learn. buy. school. buy. more school. work. buy. work. buy. die. i don't think we were born to pursue material goods. born to love? pursue happiness? no. no. no. born to coexist with the billions of others who wish to rape this world in order to prove themselves to the higher being. born to destroy and reject anything and everything that is different from the small collection of values we hold for ourselves. for we have the universal truth. of what is right and just. we are all knowing aren't we? and [why wont they listen].....this purgatory is pointless. so lets all chew it up and spit it out. paradise is on the horizon. reality is gone. i am frustrated with so many things.

spiders

my knees are keeping my heart company and my head is meeting the cold concrete with little hesitation. i am on top of a mountain. i look up expecting bright clouds to greet my curious glance. all i see is little specks of blue where the fur trees fail to paint the sky and i gaze downward. the forest is crawling with spiders. all on personal adventures that the rest of existence is unaware of. eight legs carry them across the grassy treacherous terrain. and we wonder what his little brain is thinking about. food? shelter? his many enemies. including my ignorant shoe that may end his fearless journey upon my desire to dive deeper into this wood. i walk on. hoping the best for my little friend. for a split second, my sight is tainted red and i feel the most comforting warmth engulf my body. starting at my head and flowing like water towards my ankles. i'm curious to what kind of strain my heart can handle. what kind of nature it can endure. i open my eyes to smoke and screaming. where am i. what has this place become. my head is bleeding but i feel the most comforting feeling of content-ness right between my knees. right next to the thud thud of dying dreams.

watch out. little fat rain cloud hovering just a few inches from this cheek biting face. my inability to write is making me frustrated. i have too many ideas circulating lately. mostly how work is making me mentally ill. i feel too tired. too lonely. too corporate. fred meyer is leeching me of any creative thought and action i might have had. i am diseased. and looking for a new job.

i have also been reading too much. listening to too much. thinking too much. i cant say i know where my hope for a more beautiful existence spawned from. but its fading away faster than i can attempt to solidify it. all i hear about is the impending doom of our economy. our government. this country. i read about the rising cost of living. food. gas. wages will stay the same. less jobs. people are making too many babies. killing too many people. too many animals. devastation is humans gift to our earth and dehumanization is our gift to each other. what is this life. what does it mean for all the people that [get it]. happiness? is that all we can wish upon ourselves. a petty human emotion that brings a warm feeling to our gut. is that all that we are concerned with? its one of those days. when happiness doesn't look appealing. where success is not defined and never will be. where i am falling into a cycle of confused construction of self in the morning, and never failing destruction in the evening.

nod

you will not catch me upon your swift wings. i am a flighty one myself. indecisive on what way to turn. when to stop. when to go. nod once for no twice for yes. you will find me. looking out over Icelandic like blue. the wind in my hair whispers to me. mermaid hair. it curls for you. blurry eyes attempt to focus on your hands holding mine. too young for age to disease. too old for ignorance to capture. we are lost to this world.

my fingers cannot quite form the words i wish to write.

gnawing at the mind. a moment where you lose your ambitions. goals. anything of much importance is worthless. where is the self control. where is the ability to decipher what is helping you and what is hurting you.

my eyes are lost in admiration. they are not listening to the brain. who tells me to stop stop stop stop stop stop. this is a train wreck waiting to happen. you are a train wreck waiting to happen. your sweet talk and soft touch. might as well be vulgar words and a slap on the face. what made you believe that you were invited to my life.

who is going to fix this world....who is going to make it all better.

sweet song

sparrows are scared. like there is something out to get them. they hop around in pairs and will visit you if you are eating something worth their while. they will share whatever crumbs miss your mouth and fall to the ground.

pigeons are a little braver. marching around like they are important. they fight over food and gather in twos and threes. not interested in crumbs, just the bigger morsels that seem a bit more sustaining.

crows are the cream of the crop. they linger in solitude. but gather when food is abundant. they stride with a crooked gait and are known and seen to be very intelligent. mischievously stealing food from comrades but also calling for friends when there is plenty.

ive made friends with the birds at work. they know i am always up for dropping a little too much of my breakfast upon the sidewalk.

wind

im waiting for my heart to stop.

the deceased are walking hand in hand. a presence that sends a shiver down my spine. torn decaying clothing. hair down their backs. no eyeballs. just sockets. dry cracking lips attempt a smile at the living. reproducing cells created us. age destroys us. and death brings us back to the earth. the deceased are dust. we are dust. with a little breeze. we are gone.