ellipses

she is having her reality problems again. i am questioning my own consciousness. still not quite sure if I am actually here or any of you are here. perhaps i am making up this whole world for myself...in my little awkward-not-very-sociable-brain. no. too selfish. maybe i am the product of someone else's big scheme. god? no. maybe someone who feeds off death. destruction. devastation. because that is all i see. all i hear about. if it isn't the thousands of people overseas. its the optimistic second-year theater student bicycling on her way to class. if it isn't the whalers off the coasts of japan. its the guy down the street who hit a deer while driving last week. i am going to drive the extra twenty miles to whole foods. the more ethical choice. bring my reusable shopping bags. and drive my 12mpg SUV home. i am going to order the nonfat latte with extra whip cream. buy the reduced fat oreos. i am going to wear vertical stripes because they are slimming. and the livestrong bracelet. to show that i live strongly. pink for breast cancer. pink for money towards animal testing and pharmaceuticals. money for drugs. not for cures. im selling my time to corporations who could care less about me and what i hope to achieve in this lifetime. [how are you today?] [would you like room?] [decaf nonfat?] suit and tie. it makes me look that much more important. way far superior to you. we work too much. sleep too little. not enough time to live in this lifetime. live. learn. buy. school. buy. more school. work. buy. work. buy. die. i don't think we were born to pursue material goods. born to love? pursue happiness? no. no. no. born to coexist with the billions of others who wish to rape this world in order to prove themselves to the higher being. born to destroy and reject anything and everything that is different from the small collection of values we hold for ourselves. for we have the universal truth. of what is right and just. we are all knowing aren't we? and [why wont they listen].....this purgatory is pointless. so lets all chew it up and spit it out. paradise is on the horizon. reality is gone. i am frustrated with so many things.