just empty words

ready go. my body found the floor last night. dizzy spells and sad thoughts. i collapse into a mess upon the carpet. it has been an instinctual thing since i was little. sick? sad? upset? i find comfort in the uncomfortable solidness. i would be lying if i said i haven't been thinking about the situation we could both allow ourselves to fall into. these are the happiest times of my life. also the most confusing. there is a knot in my throat where you sit. relationships are about interactions. interactions spawn growth and love. i am terrified of losing everyone important to me. perhaps i am being over dramatic. distance does not weaken friendships. it just changes them. pretty soon it will be the casual [heyyyyy its so good to see you but i have no idea who you are anymore.] it is my nature to be naturally independent. or in other words. a loner. so how do i solve this problem. i move further away from the few people i am able to open up to. to close myself up even more. i am living for everything and nothing.

the nihilist inside is also clawing at the the back of my neck every so often. i hate her. she doesn't realize how happy i am. how great i could make my life if i let myself. im reading [the corporation] [also a documentary]. its amazing and makes me think about the ashley-consumer more than ever. i am disgusted with myself and society. but besides boycotting the world. what will my angst towards these ideas fix. not much. so i sit here sipping on my huge aquafina. bottled water. a joke in itself. i will continue to work my whorish super-corporate-monster job. until i can find a suitable more agreeable alternative. i will watch the economy destroy itself and watch the world rape mother nature and kill itself. i will sit frustrated in that i have no idea where to start and no energy to pursue the cure to devastation. i am like the billions of other people in this world. attempting to figure life out and live it to reach some comfortable end. one step at a time. i want more than that. i want so much more than living to find death.

this bad mood will pass. hopefully. there is nothing i want more than to be content. i don't even have to be happy. just help me find a middle ground where i can remain between the annoying state of extreme happiness and the never-ending pull of the burnside bridge.im not a suicide risk. just a seeker of opportunity and peace.