doris

i am not sure what is perpetuating this off mood. a mix of irrational loneliness. school/work induced stress. and my on/off habit of attempting to eat/treat myself healthier. i feel so tired and sad. i mean. im pretty good at picking myself up momentarily. but overall i feel. down.

im pressing my hands on either side of my head. hard. maybe so hard that i could collapse my brain and find relief. hm. sometimes i wonder why i am not like some people. the ones that don't think much past what they are going to wear that day/when they will study/what events are occurring during the coming weekend. the ones with goals. marriage. career. success. why didn't i turn out like that. and just choose to worry about my immediate self and surroundings. instead. i sit here and stress about my consuming habits. not eating necessarily. but purchasing. and the money issue necessarily. but the support i am giving all of these questionable corporations. i think about people in far away countries. i think of them dieing and it makes me sad. i think of my great aunt alone in a nursing home and i feel sick. hm i lied. i do think about my future quite a bit. maybe too much. maybe i should just take life as it comes. i just worry that i wont make an impact. i want to do something. big.

i want so much to be happy. all the time. or most of the time. for him. all for him. because i know how much he loves to see me smile and hear that i have had a good day. hearing him smile is the best part of my day. thats all i get most of the time. a smile over the phone. and it gives me butterflies and makes me content.

i bought some daisies and planted them in pots. made me a little happier. ive been reading this anthology which is ten years of a zine called Doris. it reassures me that there are people that think similar to myself. my brain isn't as defective as once thought.

i have a final on monday and a paper due on wednesday. my plan was to work on them this afternoon. this did not get accomplished. i physically hurt everywhere. and i dont know why.