stuck

So. Here is my day. Sundays are my day to think, and today...I believe I did quite a bit of that. Mostly about what I should do with the rest of my education.....life. I am taking yet another "career development" class here at CBC. and...I am finding that it is helping very little. ]: Of course. What was I thinking. I took it once before at Eastern....with no luck. and here I am. hoping that it will give me the magical answer of what major I should declare. I am a quarter into my junior year of college. undeclared. unsure. slightly unmotivated. (because of lack of decision-making/confusion). There are some areas I have been thinking about...but I seem to have this self-doubt....lack of confidence that I will succeed. I just want to do something I love. I don't need money. I don't need security. I just want to look forward to going to work. I want to be able to put my heart into whatever I choose to do.

my parents. grandparents. professors. are all telling me to just choose. I can always change later. I really don't get this. school is expensive. shouldn't I wait. to choose something I am passionate about. study something where I actually want to participate in class and try. because I am genuinely interested in it. at eastern, and even here at CBC...there are kids in my classes that could care less. they went to college because it was the thing to do. because their parents made them. because to succeed in life, you need that freaking four year degree. don't get me wrong. some kids are totally motivated to achieve their goals. get that degree. do whatever it is they want to do. then I see the kids that barely come to class. that barely get that passing grade. that take english 201 three times before passing. where is your college degree going to take you? what do you want in life? tell me. obviously you have more important things to do. other than class and homework. annnnnd why am I sitting here bashing the slightly unmotivated college kids. when in actuality. they are me. just in a different light. I sit through my classes. listen to the mind numbing droning. bull shit the assignments. get the better grade. but what does that really get me? puts me in the same place as the kids who skip class and barely pass. what do I want out of my education? I want a sense of myself. I want to learn how I can better this world.

so. this ends my yammering on about that. to all my friends that are in college. done with college. not in college. tell me. how did you decide what to do. are you in love with your life? please tell.

on to other things. less important things.

my mom has brought us home a new family. and I really don't know how I feel about it. she has a new boyfriend. that has two kids. I guess it just rattles me a bit. because shes had this new bf for about two weeks...maybe. and this last week it was dinner with rob every night at our house. after dinner it was snuggling with rob on the couch. getting intoxicated (my mom never drinks). making out. and im in my room. walking to the kitchen. going to class. microwaving some soup. in my mind. "WHAT THE FUCCCCCKKK". my mom is 14 again. its kind of funny. I need to get out of this house again. I want my mom to be able to do her own thing. I just find it terribly awkward with me here.
i have to be at work at 4am tomorrow. guess that means i will sleep soon. couple more months. then. im leaving. seattle. portland. somewhere. canada? maybe ill move to dc and live with erin. who knows.