normal days

I am being suffocated by anxious thoughts. You can only stare at an object so long before your eyes un-focus and everything is blurry. My professor is melting into a globular shape of color and fuzz. Fuzzy lines and mumbled words, and suddenly I am trying to decide whether to listen or just to hear what he has to say on the subject at hand. I decide on the latter and quietly stare forward, listening to each word as it is spoken. In my head, I try to predict what will come out next. If you have ever tried to do this, it is quite bizarre. Almost like I am reading his mind. Ok. Crazy. Ashley you are crazy. Back to staring forward....

My thoughts dance in and out behind me eyes. Am I living? Is this autopilot? Ashley is on autopilot. In control. but plagued with a repetitive dizzy spell. She has become molded by her work. school. comfortable habits. into some sort of artificial robotic girl. the girl that answers the phone at work. the girl that throws together half-assed art projects for her class. because the inspiration has all dried up. She is busy all day, and doesn't like to sleep. It feels like a waste. Especially when you go and go and go. and just when you think all your work/school is done.....it is ten o'clock at night. and you were unable to fulfill any personal projects or goals you would have liked to. Instead, I come home. Think about doing some sort of school work, feel uninspired and tired--and throw it aside. I eat some sort of microwave food or soup and head to my room. I then decide to type up my thoughts on all of this. In hopes that someone else will get something out of it. I hope this will be the case. I also hope I can take my own advice sometime soon.

I guess I am just a bit confused. I recently went to the east coast to visit my sister. It was an amazing trip. My first real vacation in over a year. It felt really good. Like. Autopilot was off. From the moment our plane landed in maryland to the day we got back to seattle, we took the present by storm. With no real set plans or schedules, we were able to enjoy each moment as it happened. I have to say. This was probably my first time really just going for it--not really planning so much ahead. (Have Heart?) Like. Riding ten different means of public transportation to get to baltimore. To see circle takes the square. Sitting in a realllllly sketchy part of town. Trying to decide if we should still attempt to get to the show--even though it would mean we might not be able to get back to the college that night. We went for it. and I have to say. I am glad we did. We actually ended up stuck at the airport that night. but found some random guy from san fran to split a cab with us. to get back to the college. He worked for google. odd.

Hopefully that was somewhat relevant to what I am trying to say. I really don't want my permanent situation to be some nine to five desk job. I want to experience life. And people. And I want that for all my friends as well. There is no reason to be discontent when we are this young. No reason to stay in this chokehold. My fuzzy mumbling teacher will still be here when I get back. If I come back.



Swing by and pick me up. We can travel the world.