round she goes. round and round. i am having a hard time pulling myself out of this.

oh hey. 2011

it feels awkward to come back to an almost forgotten blog. i often think about these kind of abandonments...looking up old favorite blogs to discover that they too...just stopped writing. no warning or goodbyes. just gone. either way. i've come back to mine...in hopes that it would inspire my brain. give me hope. or something. after reading past entries...disappointment sets in. a collection of angsty/stressed-out rants about school and life. but I guess I have never been one to express happiness through words. just anxiety. happiness deserves conversations, movement, and action. this is all my anxiety deserves. pixelated thoughts typed out on a blog no one will ever see. well. hhm. maybe i will try harder tomorrow.

calm calm calm

it hasn't been impossible. but to just stop thinking must be one of the hardest obstacles I have ever attempted. instead of feeling out of reality [like last week]. i feel rather fuzzy. on edge. i was told to go to talk to someone. but i feel rather determined to fix my own brain thank you. it is hard to grasp the idea that someone else might know you better than you know yourself. i think sometimes we just deny everything [to ourselves]. if we are honest with our mind. it will be honest in return. positive reinforcement. positive energy. i promise i am not turning into some new-agey hippie woman. maybe a little.

i am feeling a little better each day. and hopefully it will all go away soon. im telling myself it will go away. it will work. besides working on not thinking. i am deleting myself. well. the myspace is gone. [or will be gone]. the twitter is gone. i am not sure about facebook. its never really been my thing. here is where i am worrying: i know this digital era is having both positive and negative effects on us. i feel that the positive can never balance out the negative, so i am attempting at limiting and taking control of technology's grasp on my mind. this blog will probably be the only remaining outlet. for now anyway. but heres the scary catch....all of my peers. my family. most of the people i know are all inter-connected and will not follow my lead. so. along with protecting my mind from digital overload, i am ostracizing myself from a comfortable social network. this will be the big experiment i guess. hhhhm.

thump thump thump

i have come to a halt somewhere between trendy angst and undeniable insanity. i dont know if it is school. work. or some other underlying stress...but I cannot stop thinking about my heart. thump thump thump. it feels like it is beating too fast. i checked my blood pressure at work the other day...prehypertensive. perhaps because i have been super anxious out of nowhere. it was also checked again at the dr.s office last week. still high...with a high pulse rate. i dont know what my deal is.

curt keeps telling me that i am making myself sick. its all in my head. hyperchondriac status. seriously though. i dont know if i am sick or not. i dont know if my anxiety is causing my heart to race...which in turn is causing me to feel super tired all the time. when we were in CO, I felt like the elevation was making me breathe weird...causing my heart to race. i bought a multi vitamin over there thinking perhaps i am anemic. it seems to have helped a bit. but perhaps it is a placebo affect. i am at school right now. unable to concentrate. i need to finish up a lesson plan that was due tuesday. but i cannot concentrate on it. i start thinking about my breathing and then notice that my heart is beating hard and get scared. i think i might go home and sleep. try to relax. but i need to go to class today. missed two classes already because of vacay to CO. i was walking to lab and kept feeling woozy. like I was floating. i dont understand. i have to work tonight. im scared im going to pass out in the stockroom and rats will come out and nibble on my fingers.

anyway. if anyone reading this can help me relax or give me advice...id greatly appreciate it. i dont know if this is pure anxiety or perhaps somethign more serious. i wish i had more time/energy...perhaps I need to see a shrink. damnit.

pomegranate

i just realized i started this blog in 2007....three years have gone by. I am trying to think about what I can show for the last three years of my life. Not much...a few class grades on paper, perhaps Curtis....er...I don't know. As far as this blog goes, it seems that the last three years have been full of angst and stress [probably related to school or my insane mind].

anyway. more later. i want to make this a semi-regular thing (again). Lets hope eh?

spring

i hate reading through old posts and rediscovering the various pity parties that one goes through. or that [I] go through on a fairly consistent basis. hopefully I get get my mind back and running in a more positive direction.

it is April. Three weeks into my last quarter of college. (besides a bonus summer course I will be taking)--but basically--I am almost done. Like most other young adults at this time, I am terrified. I feel that I am not ready for the real world...I wish I had the money to go to school forever...but no. Instead, school ends and I start getting the gross financial aid bills. bachelor of science in both sociology and general social science. sounds repetitive? yeah. general social science was kind of a last minute decision after i found out I was only one course short of double majoring (thus-summer class). I guess a double major might look good on paper...we will see.

I found out a couple months ago that my father is moving down to this area--Ridgefield to be exact. I met up with him last week for a check handoff (I have to convince him every quarter that I am still in college and seriously broke...not to mention my financial aid was $400 short of covering my school bills) Glorious. Anyway. We meet up with him and he says he can only give me half--I enthusiastically thank him and agree to meet up again later. After the handoff, he suggests that I come see the house that he is looking to buy. We drive down a desolate farm road clear from the highway...Ridgefield is rugged. I follow him into a driveway to the Taj Mahal! SERIOUSLY. This house is huge! It reminds me of the big houses that speckled the hills in tri-cities, but this one had a pretty boring yard--no trees, etc. He tells us that we can have a peek inside if his realtor shows up in a couple minutes. So, pretty indifferent about the situation--I decide to poke around the exterior, peeking into windows and whatnot. On the way back around, we find that his realtor finally showed up--so we decide to do a walkthrough. Lets see. For such a big house, there were only three bedrooms including a huge master bedroom--as well as SIX full bathrooms. Tell me how useful a shower would be located in the formal living room. Walking in you are met with a large foyer and a spiral-y staircase with beautiful iron supports. Huge kitchen, huge family and living spaces, a huge office with built-in desks and whatnot, a huge play-room with a sink, fridge, and whatnot, a separate long rec room with another kitchenette type thing and a double headed shower outside of a indoor sauna...complete with wood benches and a table right outside (built in). Good for them. The only issue is that 1) My Dad would never choose to live here if it was completely his choice 2) My Dad said that Dee (stepmom) didn't really like the house. So, why.....I am guessing he is trying to give her the best he can--which makes me sad--because she doesnt and has never cared about providing my dad with much--emotional or otherwise. I feel slightly at risk for posting these thoughts for everyone to read...but thoughts about my stepmom have been floating around my head for some time. Last time I saw her--I couldn't get over her LV bag and coach earrings. Damnit. My dad doesn't even get his own checkbook really. So controlling. Anyway. I am just scared for him. Krysta (stepsis) is going to BYU Hawaii this year....most likely with no student loans and a nice credit card that her mom (and my dad) will pay off. I just feel...that my dad wants to support us...but perhaps Dee doesn't allow him to.

Anyway. Long rant. My current goals are to not rely on my parents. Which is working out fairly well. Its just hard when I was promised help with college and it hasn't really followed through. Oh well. I'm pretty scared about going to GradSchool...f I decide to....another 40,000 in debt sounds pretty nasty. And all for what? I don't know really.

I am going to cut myself off right now. I feel the pessimisties entering my brain and don't want to turn this into another sap post.

digital personality

right now....attempting to write a ten page paper on school shootings. due in roughly 24 hours....I don't really know how I am going to pull this off. instead. i have some thoughts in my mind. i feel as though is going to be somewhat of a pity post. so bear with me.

my eyes get hot when I think of friendships. sometimes I feel that all the little connections I have with everyone are hanging on by a thread. I feel that they really wouldn't mind if I disappeared forever...you know? I mean, I am sure I am liked by a few people here and there...random people I have been able to make shallow conversation with...acquaintances that I see from time to time. but in all reality. these people most likely wouldn't even realize that I was missing from the little sphere in which they see me. lets see. i have my partner. i have a few guy friends that are fun to hang around. but perhaps its because I am a girl and the majority of my friends are guys....i usually feel alienated. perhaps irrational. but there are things that I cannot connect with them on. i haven't had really close amazing connections with people since middle/high school. even then. i felt so different from my friends that sometimes I felt ashamed of who I was or the ideas that passed through my mind from time to time. its a little easier now, being surrounded by similar minds. but still. i feel a disconnect. perhaps its the sex thing. I never believed it to be true. but. ?[is] it completely impossible to have friends of the opposite sex that could be as close as friends as are those of the same sex (talking in terms of heterosexual orientation)? I've always heard (even from my professors that the sex issue is always on someones mind....even in supposedly platonic relationships). It is said there is this weird energy. this weird aspect to the friendship that most likely will eventually turn the friendship south/dysfunctional. I always denied this. the friendships I feel towards all of my guy friends is strictly platonic. I feel like I have six older brothers...they pick on me. the defend me. i would like to think they would do anything for me. but as of late. i am finding they have much bigger and better things on their minds than a seemingly shallow friendship with some girl that found her way into their circle. if they only knew. or perhaps they do. i would do anything for them. as sad as it sounds. they are all i have right now. and i dont think they even know it. this is where i've been getting really down. i have this fight with myself over the idea of not having any really close friends that are girls. for the longest time, I didn't think this was a big deal...because I had my guys. but there are some things they dont want to hear. some things i dont want to tell them. but at the same time i also feel the same urge to tell someone. someone similar to myself. who may understand things on a similar level. i never really liked that weird segregation that we are exposed to in elementary school. boys and girls are expected to be somewhat separate....in terms of friendships anyway. until they choose to mate and breed with one another...then they combine....but keep their guys nights/girls nights. because thats the way it is. some things are taboo to talk about with people of the opposite sex. and thats how it is. platonic friendships with guys are not possible. this is all i hear. this is all i dont want to believe.

sometimes i feel that it is way too late for me to make really close connected relationships with other people. i feel like I dont have a face that anyone can relate to. unrecognizable even to myself at times. where am i going. what am i doing. what am i thinking. am i crazy or sane. i have attempted new friendships with guys. they usually get the wrong idea. [supporting the sex hypothesis]. i have also attempted friendships with girls....that end with an unexplainable disconnect. perhaps my point of being. is to be isolated. to be that mystery girl with a mystery heart.

i feel as though the internet is breeding more and more shallow convenient friendships that all center around false depictions of ourselves as pixels on a screen. words without emotion or intensity. people without emotion or intensity. there is only a forty word definition of who we are next to link to a few images that we imagine to be "us". we are advertising ourselves for friendships....we are attempting connected-ness...but in turn become more disconnected. we don't even like hearing each others voices. we much prefer reading brief text through our universal digital connections with everyone and anyone. we love digitally. we fight digitally. we rant digitally [case and point]. we strive and strive to define ourselves through labels. logos. definitions of what it means to be us. words on a screen define who we are for the world. forget about meeting me in real life. you can be friends with my digital soul. for it is all displayed for you to love or despise.